Be Careful!

Not that any of my readers would need this for themselves, but you might know someone you could pass it along to.

The Stages of Drunkenness

1. Smart: Got all the answers. Just ask me!
2. Good Looking: Totally irresistible to the opposite sex.
3. Rich: Money? No problem! How much do you need?
4. Strong: Can whip anybody, anytime, anywhere.
5. Stupid: Can't walk, talk, think, and doesn't know it.

Too Close

Penned on the wall in the ladies' room: My husband follows me everywhere.

Written just below was: I do not!

Remember?

When the 3-year-old boy opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
His mother was not so pleased. She turned to her mother and said, "I'm surprised at you! Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
The grandmother smiled and replied, "I remember."

For the Hunting Season

Fritz and Frieda went camping in the mountains and took Frieda's mother along. Fritz and Frieda returned to the campsite from a walk to find a huge, mean-looking bear face-to-face with Frieda's mom.

Frieda screamed to Fritz. "You've got to do something or there's going to be bloodshed.

Fritz answered, "I'm staying out of it. The bear got himself into this mess. He can get himself out!"

Depositing Happiness

One summer day, a petite and well-poised 92-year-old woman, who fully dressed herself, put on makeup and fashionably coiffed her hair before 8 am each morning, moved into a nursing home. Her husband of 70 years, a beloved pastor in their community, had recently passed away, making the move necessary.

After many hours of waiting patiently, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready. As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, her escort provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheet that had been hung on her window.

"I love it," she stated, with the enthusiasm of an 8-year-old who'd just received a new puppy.

"Mrs. Jones, you haven't seen the room, just wait."

"That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. How the room is arranged has nothing to do with whether or not I will like it ... it's how I have arranged my mind. I have already decided to love it!"

She went on to share, "Each morning when I wake up, I choose to be positive and work with what I have, not dwell on what I have lost. As long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away just for this time in my life."

Just Between Us, Summer 2009

What Do You See?

One day a certain old, rich man of a miserable disposition visited a rabbi, who took the rich man by the hand and led him to a window. "Look out there," he said. The rich man looked into the street. "What do you see?" asked the rabbi.
"I see men, women and children," answered the rich man.
Again the rabbi took him by the hand and this time led him to a mirror. "Now what do you see?"
"Now I see myself," the rich man replied.
Then the rabbi said, "Behold, in the window there is glass, and in the mirror there is glass. But the glass of the mirror is covered with a little silver. No sooner is the silver added than you cease to see others but see only yourself."

Need Directions?

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him. He drove the cat 20 blocks from his home and left him at the park. As the man arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, the man drove the cat 40 blocks away. He put the creature out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

The man kept taking the cat farther and farther away, yet the cat would always beat him home. At last, the man decided to drive a few miles away. He turned right, then left, past a bridge, then took more turns until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later, the man called home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," his wife answered, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man said, "Put him on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"

Sometimes You Don't Want to Know the Future

A lonely frog, desperate for any form of company, telephoned a psychic hotline to find out what his future had in store. He spoke with a psychic adviser for a little while.
She told him, "You're going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog was thrilled and said, "This is great! Where will I meet her -- at work, at a party?"
"Nope," said the psychic, "in a biology class."

Healthy? Wealthy?

Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads Jack's last will and testament.

"To my dear wife, Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and $1 million. To my son, Barry, I leave my big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter, Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother-in-law, Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp."

Prayer for the Day

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing. And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death, I will not fear, for you are ever with me and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

-- Thomas Merton

Hopefully A-MOO-sing

A city fellow was tooling down a country road when h is car sputtered to a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver, getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows looking at him. "I believe it's your radiator," said the cow. Well, the man nearly jumped out of his skin, and running to the nearest farmhouse, knocked on the door and shouted, "A cow just gave me advice about my car!" as he pointed frantically back at the field.

The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to glance down at the field. "The cow with two big black spots on it?" the farmer asked slowly.

"Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied.

"Oh, Well, that's Betsy," the farmer said, turning back to the man. "Don't pay any attention to her. She doesn't know a darn thing about cars."

Uh-oh!

In 1978, British firefighters were on strike, and the army filled the gap. One afternoon, the replaacement firefighters got a call to rescue a cat caught high in a tree. The soldiers rushed to the scene, put up a ladder, brought down the cat and gave it back to the owner. The woman was so grateful that she invited them in for tea, an invitation they accepted. After a wonderful time, they said goodbye, got in the truck and backed away -- over the cat.

Which prompts the question, "Could that rescue mission really be considered a success?"

From The Book of Heroic Failures

Oh my ...

This story is told by Don Lipinski, elementary school teacher:

In one recent fifth-and-sixth grade social studies class, we were discussing explorers and their routes. One insightful student asked me if I thought people in this era of history were smarter than people in recent history or even today. I responded by telling the class that I believed you could place certain individuals in any place in history and they would be smart. One of the examples I used was Einstein. After finishing my example, another student shouted out, "Einstein was real?"

True Greatness

If you want to be happy for an hour, take a nap. If you want to be happy for a day, go fishing. If you want to be happy for a month, get married. If you want to be happy for a lifetime, inherit a fortune. If you want to be happy for eternity, help others. Whoever want to be first must be last of all and servant of all.

-- Carl F. Schultz, Jr.

Run for the Roses

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage. Said the husband, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there's no 'I' in the word marriage." Chimed in the wife, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."


And then, there was John, the crotchety old fellow who always took breakfast with his wife. He would read the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and today of all days because it was their 25th wedding anniversary.

"John! John! Put down that paper and let's talk about how we are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today. What do you suggest?"

John put down the newspaper, removed and polished his glasses, stared for a moment or two into the distance, and said, "How about two minutes of silence?"

Pithy Observations

• The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
• To prevent sagging skin, eat till the wrinkles fill out.
• Laughing stock is really just a cow with a sense of humor.
• You can't have everything ... where would you put it?
• If the shoe fits ... get another one just like it.
• If it ain't broke ... you don't live in a house with kids!

And I hope you parents of college freshmen don't have the experience of the family whose son came home at Thanksgiving with a semester's worth of dirty laundry. Soon after stepping into the laundry room, he shouted to his mom, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

She called out, "It depends. What does it say on your shirt?"

"Tennessee!"

The Difference Between Peter and Judas

Perhaps you'll enjoy Eugene Peterson's view of a surprise twist in the Scriptures. He says:
.

..Among the apostles, the one absolutely stunning success was Judas, and the one thoroughly groveling failure was Peter. Judas was a success in the ways that most impress us: He was successful both financially and politically. ... And Peter was a failure in ways the we most dread: He was impotent in a crisis and socially inept. At the arrest of Jesus, he collapsed, a hapless, blustering coward; in the most critical situations of life with Jesus, the confession on the road to Caesarea Philippi and the vision on the Mount of Transfiguration, he said the most embarrassingly inappropriate things. ...

..Time, of course, has reversed our judgments on the two men. Judas is now a byword for betrayal, and Peter is one of the most honored names in the church and in the world. Judas is a villain; Peter is a saint. Yet the world continues to chase after the successes of Judas, financial wealth and political power, and to defend itself against the failures of Peter, impotence and ineptness.

Knowing When and How to Speak

Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.

-- Howard W. Newton

.
She had lost the art of conversation, but not, unfortunately, the power of speech.

-- George Bernard Shaw

.
There are three times when you should never say anything important to a person: when he is tired, when he is angry, and when he has just made a mistake!

-- Anonymous

.
Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.

-- Anonymous

.
A gossip is someone who can give you all the details without knowing any of the facts.
.
And an oldie that "bears repeating" ...
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he or she says happens at home."

-- Anonymous

Ouch! Punctured Preacherly Pride

A pastor was greeting folks at the door after the service when a woman enthusiastically shook his hand and said, "Pastor, that was a great sermon!" Flushed with pride but wanting to appear humble, the pastor said, "Oh, it wasn't me. I have to give the credit to the Lord." The woman replied, "It wasn't THAT good!"

.

A bishop once walked in for lunch, and as he and his wife sat down, he asked, "Do you know how many great preachers there are in the world?" Her instant reply was, "One less than you think!"

.

And (true story), a former District Superintendent told of how his wife liked to experiment with new recipes. One Sunday, she was eager to learn how he liked the recipe she had tried. He simply said, "Where is it?" When she brought it to him, he looked it over for a second, then tore it into bits.

A few weeks later, they were driving home from morning worship, and he asked her what she thought of his sermon that day. Her simple reply was, "Where is it?"

.

I guess the Lord has a LOT of helpers in keeping us humble!

On CHARACTER

God is far more interested in your character than he is your comfort, or your career, because you're not taking your career to heaven, but you are taking your character.

-- Rick Warren

.

Character is what God and the angels know of us; reputation is what men and women think of us.

-- Horace Mann

.

The world is to be cleaned by somebody, and you are not called of God if you are ashamed to scrub.

-- Henry Ward Beecher

.

Never ... think we have a due knowledge of ourselves till we have been exposed to various kinds of temptations, and tried on every side. Integrity on one side of our character is no voucher for integrity on another. We cannot tell how we should act if brought under temptations different from those we have hitherto experienced. This thought should keep us humble. We are sinners, but we do not know how great. He alone knows who died for our sins.

-- John Henry Newman

A Time to Grow in Knowledge and Vital Piety

by: Bishop Michael J. Coyner - Indiana

John Wesley declared that we in the Methodist revival tradition “bring together those two so long divided: knowledge and vital piety.” By that phrase, he meant that faith always yearns for increased learning and that education should illuminate our acts of worship and piety. Some people say our United Methodist Church is a “thinking church” - not to imply that other denominations do not think, but to emphasize that we in the tradition of John Wesley affirm the essential need for education. Nearly every United Methodist Church has a Sunday School or other forms of educational classes for children, youth and adults. Why? Because we affirm that a faithful person is also a thinking, learning, and growing person. Faith is not limited to a set of doctrines or assents to which one concurs but never challenges or debates. Faith includes education such as Bible study, small-group sharing, discussion, and growth. Wesley believed that the living core of the Christian faith was revealed in the scripture, illumined by tradition, verified in personal experience, and confirmed by reason.

Turn, Turn, Turn

The guy from the city went driving in the country one day, but the signs on the road weren't very good. Eventually, he got lost. Finally, he pulled up in front of this farmhouse where he saw an old fellow sitting on the porch.

"Have you lived here all your life?" he asked. The farmer replied, "Not yet!"

"Umm, well, can you tell me how far it is to the town of Mill Pond?"

"Well," said the old farmer, "the way you're goin' it's about 24,996 miles. But if you turn around, it's about four."

And therein lies the definition of repentance.

Paying Attention

A fellow went to a farmer and bought a mule, who assured him that the mule was obedient and would respond to the owner's every command. Yet, no sooner had the man started for home with his new purchase than the stubborn beast stopped in the middle of the road and refused to budge. Nothing the man tried could get it to move.

He walked back to the farmer, doing a slow burn. He accused him of false advertising.

The farmer said scarcely a word. He picked up a two-by-four and gestured to the man to come with him. The two of them walked down the road to where the mule was standing. The farmer hit the beast over the head with the two-by-four and said, "Move!" The animal complied.

"What's that all about?" demanded the mule's new owner. "You promised he'd obey my command!"

"He will," said the farmer, "but first you have to get his attention."

How do YOU respond to God's call? Do you listen to His still small voice and obey, or does He have to hit you in the head with a two-by-four to get your attention?

The Old Rugged Cross

Clarence Jordan, author of the Cotton Patch New Testament translation, was getting a red-carpet tour of another minister's church. With pride the minister pointed to the rich, imported pews and luxurious decorations. As they stepped outside, darkness was falling, and a spotlight shone on a huge cross atop the steeple.

"That cross alone cost us $10,000," the minister said with a satisfied smile.

"You got cheated," said Jordan. "Times were when Christians could get them for free."

.

Hard Work

There is an ancient Roman aqueduct near the Spanish city of Segovia. An aqueduct is a sort of elevated trestle over which water flows. This one was constructed in the year A.D. 109. For 1800 years, the aqueduct carried cool water from the mountains to the hot and thirsty city. As many as 60 generations depended on this marvel of engineering for their drinking water.

Then came another generation, in more recent years, who said to each other, "This aqueduct is an architectural marvel. It's a historical treasure that ought to be preserved. We should give it a well-earned rest."

That's exactly what they did. They detoured the water flow away from the ancient stones and channeled it through modern pipes. They put up historical markers so tourists would know who had constructed the aqueduct, and for what purpose. They celebrated the fact that their city's water system was now modern in every way.

But then, a strange thing began to happen. The Roman aqueduct began to fall apart. The sun beating down on its dry mortar, without the constant flow of water to cool it, caused to to crumble. In time, the massive structural stones threatened to fall. What 18 centuries of hard service had not been able to destroy, a few years of idleness nearly did.

.

Leaning on the Everlasting Arms

In Mourning into Dancing, Walter Wangerin tells an event in his childhood. He said he always told people that his daddy was stronger than anyone else in the world. Now, in those childhood days, a cherry tree grew in their back yard, and it was Walter's favorite hiding place. Ten feet above the ground there was a stout limb that made a horizontal fork, a cradle in which he could like face down, reading, thinking, being alone. Nobody bothered him there. Even his parents didn't know where he went to hide. Sometimes Dad would come out and call, "Wally? Wally?" but wouldn't see him hidden among the leaves. "I felt very tricky," Wangerin recalls.

But one day a wind tore through their backyard and hit the tree with such force that it tore the book Wally was reading from his hands and threw him from his limb. Hear the story as he tells it.

Then came the thunderstorm ... It was usual for me to dream in my tree and therefore not to notice changes in the weather. So if the sky grew dark or gave any warning, I didn't see it. [When the wind threw me from my limb] I locked my arms around the forking branches and hung on. My head hung down between them. I tried to wind my legs around the limb, but the whole tree was wallowing in the wind.

"Daddy!" As the wind blew he felt his arms were going to slip from the branches.

"Daddeeeee!"

Daddy saw me, and right away he came out into the wind and weather, and I felt so relieved because I just took it for granted that he would climb up the tree to get me. But that wasn't his plan at all. He came to a spot right below me and lifted his arms and shouted, "Jump!"

"What?"

"Jump, I'll catch you."

I screamed, "No!"

But as the wind continued to blow, he changed his mind. He let go.
.
In a fast eternal moment I despaired and I plummeted. 'This,' I thought, 'is what it is like to die!'
.
But my father's arms caught me.
.
Oh, my daddy -- he had strong arms indeed. Very strong arms. But it wasn't until I actually experienced the strength that I also believed in it.
.

Follow the SHEPHERD

.An Episcopalian priest told of this event while leading his parishioners on a tour of the Holy Land. They were bouncing along a lonely dirt road when their Palestinian driver slowed to a stop. A flock of sheep was blocking the road. Behind the sheep a man stood yelling and beating them with something akin to a leather whip. He was trying to make them move on ahead.

Dismayed, the priest commented to the driver, "This is contrary to everything I have ever read in the Bible about a shepherd. I thought a shepherd was supposed to lead and the sheep would follow."

The Arab driver smiled and said, "He's not a shepherd. He's the butcher!"

And so it is when you feel beaten down and berated, driven by fear or criticism, it is NOT the Good Shepherd. It is the DEVIL on your back!

-- Kari Myers

.

Guilty Cookies -- A Fable

.One day, a shopper at the local outlet mall felt the need for a coffee break. So she bought herself a little bag of cookies and put them in her shopping bag.

She then go in line for coffee, found a place to sit at one of the crowded tables, and then, taking the lid off her coffee and taking out a magazine, she began to sip her coffee and read.

Across the table from her a man sat reading a newspaper. After a minute or two, she reached out and took a cookie. As she did, the man seated across the table reached out and took one, too. This totally surprised her, but she smiled and didn't say anything.

A few moments later she took another cookie. Once again the man did so, too. Now was a bit irritated. He should get his own cookies and not presume upon her good nature.

After having a couple sips of coffee, she once again took another cookies. So did the gentleman seated across. Now she was upset -- especially since now only one cookie remained. Apparently the man also realized that only one cookie was left. Before she could say anything, he took it, broke it in half, offered half to her, and proceeded to eat the other half himself. Then he smiled at her and, putting the paper under his arm, rose and walked off.

Was she steamed! Her coffee break ruined, already thinking ahead of how she would tell this offense to her family, she folded her magazine, opened her shopping bag ... and there discovered her own unopened bag of cookies.

Funny (of a different sort)

.
You've probably seen this, but as my forgetful friend says, "It bears repeating!"
.

• Funny how tiring it is to serve God for one hour, but how quickly a team plays 60 minutes of basketball.
• Funny how long a couple of hours spent at church are, but how short they are when watching a movie.
• Funny how we can't thing of anything to say when we pray, but how easy it is to chat with a friend.
• Funny how thrilled we get when a baseball game goes extra innings, but we complain when a sermon is longer than usual.
• Funny how we want a front seat at a game or concert but scramable to get a back seat at church.
• Funny how we need a two- or three-week notice to fit a church event into our schedule, but can adjust our schedule at the last minute for other events.
• Funny how big $100 looks when you take it to church, but it's so small at the mall.
• Funny how hard it is to read a chapter in the Bible, but how easy it is to read 100 pages of a best seller.
• Funny how hard it is for people to learn a simple plan of salvation, but how simple it is for the same people to understand and repeat gossip.
• Funny how we believe what the newspaper says, but question what the Bible says.

-- World's Greatest Collection of Church Jokes, Paul M. Miller, ed.

Funny Bits (hopefully)

• Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
• Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
• Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
• If you upset your wife, she nags you. But if you upset her even more, you get the silent treatment.
• The man's wife made him join a bridge club. He jumps off next Tuesday.
• "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect!"

And then there was the elderly Floridian who called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into. She was hysterical as she explained her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher urged her to remain calm, that an officer was on the way.

A few minutes later, the officer radioed in. "Disregard," he said. "She got in the back seat by mistake."

.

Acting Like A Christian

.

A certain Christian man lived in the southern part of China and was a rice farmer. His farm was located in the middle of a hill. In time of drought he used a water wheel, worked manually by a treadmill, to life water from an irrigation stream into his field.

His neighbor had two fields below his. One night this neighbor made a breach in the retaining bank and drained off all the water from the Christian's field into his two fields. When the Christian noticed the breach he repaired it and filled his field again. This happened three more times.

Finally he consulted some of Christian friends and told them what he suspected his neighbor of doing. He said to them, "I've tried to be patient, but is it right to continue to be quiet about this?"

After they had prayed together about it, one of them said, "If we only try to do the right thing, then surely we are poor Christians. We have to do something more than that which is right."

The troubled Christian took these words to heart. The next morning, instead of repairing the breach once again, he first filled his neighbor's two fields and then in the afternoon he filled his own field.

After that, the water stayed in his field. His neighbor was so amazed at his actions that he began to inquire the reason and in time he, too, became a Christian.

.

The Covenant Cup -- sound familiar?

Rabbi Zola Levitt, a Messianic Jew [one who accepts Jesus as Messiah] from Israel, tells the story of the Covenant Cup, one that symbolizes the commitment God gives to us and seeks from us.

.

Levitt tells of the Jewish tradition of a young man and his father going to the home of a young woman to whom he hoped to become engaged. When the father and son arrived, they would negotiate the price of marriage with the young woman's father.

.

After a deal was reached, the young man would enter the adjoining room where he would be alone with the young woman. He would take his family's Covenant Cup, fill it with wine, and place it before the young woman with these words: "I set my covenant Cup before you, it is my blood, Take and drink this cup, and seal this covenant to be mine."

.

The young woman had two choices: take the cup and drink, thus sealing the covenant with the young man, or refuse the cup and wait for another groom. If the woman took the cup and sealed the covenant, the young man would next report in a voice loud enough for the fathers in the next room to hear him: "I go now to prepare a place for you, and if I go and preapare a place for you I will come again and receive you to myself, so that where I am you may be also."

.

This engagement ritual was a ritual of commitment. Through the Covenant Cup, the young man promised to marry the girl, promised to prepare a place for her, and promised to return for her at a later time. The young woman promised to wait, to be faithful, and to marry the young man upon his return.

.
.

Don't you hear echoes of this in Jesus' words to His bride, the church? What could we call the cup at the Last Supper, but a Covenant Cup? "This is my blood ... a new covenant." His promises to go and prepare a place for us, and a promise to return for us. He speaks in Covenant language, in marriage language, in commitment language. How wonderful!

I have no doubt that Jesus will be faithful to His promises. But notice the promise of the young woman in the tradition -- she promised to waith and BE FAITHFUL. While Jesus Christ will doubtless be faithful to us, have we, the church, been as faithful to Him?

.

A Little Help, Revisited

.....

In the highlands of Scotland, sheep will often wander off into the rocks and get into places that they can't get out of. The grass on these mountains is very sweet and the sheep like it, and they will jump down 10 or 12 feet, and then they can't jump back again, and the shepherd hears them bleating in distress.

They may be there for days, until they have eaten all the grass. The shepherd will wait until they are so faint they cannot stand, and then they will put a rope around them, and he will go over and pull the sheep up out of the jaws of death.

Why doesn't the shepherd go down there when the sheep first get there? "Because," replied one shepherd, "they are so very foolish they would dash right over the precipice and be killed if they did!"

Moral: Too often it's only when we give up trying to "go it alone" that we're ready to receive some help.

.

A Little Help?

While this story is about a police officer and not a soldier, I love the message in both picture and story that "I'm here to help!"

.

It seems that while taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, a policeman was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at his uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," he answered, and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," he told her. "Well then," she said as she extended her foot toward him, "would you please tie my shoe?"

.

Perspective

.

This is a bit of an oldie, but I enjoyed reading it again -- good for a chuckle, good for a thought.

.

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then he saw an enveloped propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands.

.

Dear Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my yes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, Your Son, John

.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report card that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

.

I Still Know

.

He was in his 80's, and his wife had been in a nursing home for some time. He faithfully continued to do everything for her that he possibly could. One day he had to stop at a medical clinic to have some stitches removed from his thumb. He asked the nurse if the doctor could see him quickly, because he had an important appointment at 9 a.m. "What appointment is that?" the nurse wanted to know. "I need to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with my wife." "Is your wife ill?" asked the nurse. "Yes, she has Alzhermier's." "Would your wife mind if you were a bit late?" "Oh, no," he said, "she hasn't recognized me for five years." "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?"

And the man just smiled. "She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is."

.............................................Rumors, Ralph Milton

Why Do You Need Money If Jesus Is Coming Soon?

A man was watching a TV evangelist one day, who was hawking a book about the end of the world. "Buy this book," the evangelist was saying, "and you will learn how to read the signs of the times, so you may know that Jesus is coming very soon."

The viewer was a gutsy sort of fellow, so he called up the televangelist's 800 number and asked them to send him a book for free. They couldn't do that, they told him. The cost of the book was $15.95, but if he could supply them a major credit-card number ...

"No, you don't understand," he said. "I don't understand why you're asking for money at all. If you really believe Jesus is coming soon, you won't need money. You should be giving the books away!"

(I'm sure that, with that, the operator was no longer standing by.)

That story reminds me of my Senior Pastor when I was Associate Pastor in Somerset. Perhaps you've seen these posts or crosses upon which the words are emblazoned -- "Jesus is Coming Soon." He had no problem with the words -- he just couldn't understand why they were making the posts/crosses out of CONCRETE instead of wood. His thought was like the TV viewer above -- if you really believe Jesus is coming SOON, you don't need concrete, mere wood will do.

I wonder how often we really announce we don't believe something we say we do, because our actions don't line up with our pronouncement? What about YOU? Are you backing up what you say you believe by acting like you believe it?

Confidence ... or Arrogance? The Take-Down

There's a story told about Muhammad Ali, the former heavyweight boxing champion. He's the one who used to say simply, "I am the greatest." He truly considered himself above the normal threats of daily life ... as, for instance, gravity.

One day he was on a flight when the passengers were told to fasten their seat belts. Seeing that Ali hadn't done so, one of the flight attendants asked him to fasten his belt.

Ali replied, "Superman don't need no seat belt."

.To which the flight attendant aptly replied, "And Superman don't need no plane either."

.

Who's Calling Your Name?

Sir David Edgeworth and his assistant, Douglas Mawson, accompanied Ernest Shackleton on his legendary expedition to the South Pole in 1907-1909. While working in his tent one day, Mawson heard the muffled of Sir Edgeworth outside: "Are you very busy?" Edgeworth asked. "Yes, I am," Mawson replied. "What's the matter?" "Are you really very busy?" Edgeworth asked again. "Yes," snapped Mawson. "What is it you want?" "Well," Edgeworth replied apologetically after a moment of silence, "I'm down a crevasse, and I don't think I can hang on much longer."

.

How many are calling our name, needing our help and the help of Christ, but we're too busy to notice?

.

When Your End Comes

.

A little boy was seen taking a shortcut across a cemetery lot just about dark. he was later asked, "Aren't you afraid?" "No, I only cut through here to get home." Really, that's all death is ... a shortcut to home.

mmm

Two guys were sitting in a bar talking about their relatives. "My grandfather," said the first guy, "knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year, too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that, too." "Wow, that's incredible," his friend replied. "How did he know all of that?" The first guy said, "A judge told him."

. mmm

A little boy was on a train running the long trip between two Western cities. It was a hot, dusty day, very uncomfortable for traveling, and that particular ride was perhaps the most uninteresting day's journey in the whole land. But the little fellow sat patiently watching the fields and the fences hurrying by until a motherly old lady leaned forward to ask with some sympathy in her voice, "Aren't you tired of the long ride, dear, and the dust and the heat?" The little boy looked up brightly, and smiled, "Yes, ma'am, a little. But I don't mind it much, because my father is going to meet me when I get to the end of it. And so it is for the Christian ... we know who's waiting for us at the end of the ride.

.

Some Corn for Dinner

.
From Yogi Berra:

• .Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hittin'.
• You give a hundred percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough, in the second half you give what's left.
• Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore, it's too crowded.
• Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.
• You can observe a lot by watching.
• A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
• It's deja vu all over again.
• If you come to a fork in the road, take it.
• I usually take a two-hour nap, from one o'clock to four.
• Hey Yogi, what time is it? You mean now?

.

And on communication:

Bud and Millie, an older couple, lived out in a rural area, and didn't make it into town very often. One day his wife obtained a copy of a ladies' magazine that touted the benefits of taking a milk bath. She decided this was just what she needed to make her feel beautiful, and sent her husband to a neighboring dairy farm to purchase the milk. When he arrived, Bud told the dairy farmer that he wanted to purchase enough milk for his wife to take a milk bath. The dairy farmer asked, "Do you want the milk pasteurized?" "No," replied Bud, "just up to her neck will do just fine."

.

...Anyway

.
From Mother Teresa:

.....People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered; forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; build anyway. If you find eternity and happiness, they may be jealous; be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; give the world the best you've got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; it was never between you and them ... anyway.

.

Empty-Nester

I don't mean to diminish what parents of the last child going off to college are feeling, but I've felt maybe .0001% of what those parents feel -- I took my Bobcat to the Nashville airport yesterday (7-29-09). While Pat Murphy and I seldom crossed paths, the house really felt empty last night, knowing that nobody was going to be coming in at 10:30 pm, or even 1:30 am from an away game. I've tried to analyze it ... haven't come up with much. It does drive home the fact that we're meant to live in community, and I think I've lost ground in coping with living alone. Also, I'm the same age as Pat's dad, so maybe there was just a bit of a sense of having a "child" at home, and now that's gone.

.....I've always thought I've been interested/concerned about what parents of college-bound kids feel when school starts. I think I may have just a tad more understanding for what you feel. Sure, my "child" was only home 10 weeks, compared to 17-18 years. But, hey, you probably welcome any bit of understanding, right? So parents, we'll be praying for you with a special focus in these next few weeks and months. Rest assured -- you've done a good job; God can redeem even what you fear were failures in your parenting; you're entrusting your kids to God, not to the college faculty and staff (no matter how good they are), and therein must lie your/our peace. But, if you need an extra hug, or a listening ear, just come and tell me you miss your "baby," and I'll be there!

."

"Empty-Nester" Wayne

.

Update Your Resumé!

.....Did you hear about the Chicago bank that once asked for a letter of recommendation for a young Bostonian being considered for employment? The Boston investment firm couldn't say enough about the young man. His father, they wrote, was a Cabot; his mother was a Lowell. Further back was a happy blend of Saltonstalls, Peabodys, and others of Boston's first families. His recommendation was given without hesitation.

.....Several days later, the Chicago bank sent a note saying the information supplied was altogether inadequate. It read: "We are not interested in using the young man for breeding purposes. Just for work!"

.

.....Which, in an off-hand way, reminds me that none of us are going to be on the way to heaven because of the faith of our ancestors, no matter how strong a Christian they were. The question is, will we "work", i.e., do we believe for ourselves?

.

The Golden (Fallen) Arches

The lectionary Gospel lesson for a few weeks is from John 6 -- and we addressed some of that in the July 26 sermon. I thought I'd continue that today with a few words about food.

......First up: A guest in a posh hotel's restaurant called the headwaiter over one morning and place the following order. "I'd like one egg undercooked so it's runny and one egg overcooked so it's tough and hard to eat. And I'd also like grilled bacon that's a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so it's impossible to spread and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee."

....."That's a complicated order, sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."

.....To which the guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult -- that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"

h h h h h h

.....The second item is much more serious: You may be familiar with Morgan Spurlock who did his experiment of eating 3 meals a day at McKevorkian's ... er ... I mean, McDonald's, for 30 days. At the end of those 30 days, he was 24 lbs. heavier, and his cholesterol had shot up 65 points. In his own words, here's what Spurlock learned from his experience.

.....Over the course of my McDiet, I consumed 30 pounds of sugar from their food. That's a pound a day. On top of that, I also took in 12 lbs. of fat. Now, I know what you're saying. You're saying nobody's supposed to eat this food three times a day. No wonder all this stuff happened to you. But the scary part is: There are people who eat this food regularly. Some people even eat it every day. So, while my experiment may have been a little extreme, it's not that crazy. But here is a crazy idea: Why not do away with your super-size options? Who needs 42 ounces of Coke? A half pound of fries? And why not give me a choice besides french fries or french fries? That would be a great start. But why should these companies want to change? Their loyalty isn't to you, it's to the stockholders. The bottom line: They're a business, no matter what they say. And by selling you unhealthy food, they make millions. And no company wants to stop doing that. If this ever-growing paradigm is going to shift, it's up to you. But if you decide to keep living this way, go ahead. Over time, you may find yourself getting as sick as I did. And you may wind up here [in the Crittenden Health Systems] emergency room, or here in [Mapleview] Cemetery.

Pray On The Full Armor of God

.

Daily Victory Prayer
(based on Ephesians 6:10-18)

Lord, I'm reminded that my "struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" (v. 12). Therefore, I pray that You will once again equip me with the full armor of God so that when evil comes, I may be able to stand my ground (v. 13).

Equip me, Lord:

• With the belt of truth (v. 14). May Your truth rule in my heart and be in my mind and on my lips today.
  
• With the breastplate of righteousness (v. 14). Apart from You there is no righteousness, but through Jesus I have been "born again" and made righteous in Your sight. May I live as a righteous person.
• With feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the Gospel of peace (v. 15). May I reflect the Gospel in my words and actions, that through me, with my every encounter, others may be drawn one step closer to You.
  
• With the shield of faith (v. 16). May I take You at Your word concerning promises about the present and future -- promises of everlasting love, abundant life, and so much more.
• With the helmet of salvation (v. 17). Remind me that nothing can separate me from Your love and that by grace I've been saved. In Your grace, help me to say "no" to all ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live a self-controlled, upright, and godly life (Titus 2:12-13).
• And with the sword of the Spirit, the Word of God (v. 17). May Your Holy Spirit reign in my life and bring to my mind just the right Bible verses to be in my heart and on my lips. May I be "filled with the Spirit" and ready with Scripture as You were, Jesus, when the devil tempted You.
• Finally, keep me in an attitude of prayer (v. 18). Remind me to "pray in the Spirit on all occasions." Cause me to be alert and always praying for the saints; to be joyful and to give thanks in everything (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)
  

Thank You that You hear the prayers of Your people, and that I am Your child. Help me to be Your person in this world today -- salt and light, moment by moment.

From The Pray! Prayer Journal, by Dean Ridings

Here a chuckle, there a chuckle....

.

....."He's great on the court," a sportswriter said of a college basketball player in an interview with the boy's coach. "But how's his scholastic work?"
....."Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach.
....."Wonderful!" said the sportswriter.
....."Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a little crooked."


.....Dave irritated everyone in his office. Whether it was the tone in his voice, or his condescending attitude, everyone steered clear. He must have suspected he was annoying because he asked a co-worker, "Why does everybody take an instant dislike to me?" Responded the co-worker, "It saves time."


.....And some more of "Life's Imponderables":

• I used to eat a lot of natural foods ... until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
• Ever notice that since everybody has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?
• In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now, the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

.

Ever Higher Expectations?

Recently in Dallas, a Husband Shopping Center opened, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out with five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rules: Once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the place to find men. On the first floor, the door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."

The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having jobs or not loving kids, but I wonder what's farther up?" So up they went.

The second floor said, "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good-looking.

"Hmm," said the girls. "But I wonder what's farther up?"

The third floor: "These men have high-paying jobs, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework."

"Wow!" said the women. "Very tempting. BUT there's more farther up!" And up they went.

Fourth floor: "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."

"Oh, mercy! But just think what must be awaiting us farther on!" So up to the fifth floor they went.

The sign on that floor said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please!"

Doubtless a similar story could be set up to poke at that same characteristic in guys. But the question we Christians must ask is not about which gender can't be satisfied, but what are our expectations of God? We can NEVER expect TOO much from God in terms of his power or of his love. But do we expect TOO much from God, wanting Him to act in ways that are inconsistent with his nature? Do we merely want what He can give us, without ever seeking the great/greatest gift of Himself?

.

Another Approach to Aging

No Nursing Home for Me
(Author Unknown)

.....A few months ago some friends noticed an elderly lady always sitting alone on a Princess Liner. All the staff seemed to wait on her constantly. We finally decided to chat with her. "We understand you have been on the last five cruise trips!" "Oh, yes! You see, it's like this: Luxury Cruise Ships average $150.00 a day, nursing homes are more than $200 a day. I have checked on reservations on a Princess and I get a long term discount and senior discount for $135.oo a day. That leaves $65.oo a day for gratuities, which will only be $10.00 a day.

.....I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have breakfast in bed; Princess has three swimming pools, work out room, free washers and dryers, good shows every night, free razors, soap, shampoo and toothpaste. They treat you as a customer, not a patient. And an extra $5.00 tip will have the entire staff at your beck and call. I will meet new people every 7-14 days. TV broken? Light bulb needed? New mattress needed? No problem! They FIX everything, and apologize for your inconvenience. Clean sheets and towels every day. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip, you are on Medicare with possibly no one to care. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess Ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life if you promise not to sue them. If you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Alaska, Australia ... just NAME where you want to go. Princess or some other cruise liner will always have a ship ready for you. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore-to-ship.

.....P.S. Don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side, no extra charge!

.

My Name Is Rose

This is one of those rare e-mail forwards -- worth passing on! I do so here. WG

My Name is Rose

.....The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being . She said, 'Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?' I laughed and enthusiastically responded, 'Of course you may!' and she gave me a giant squeeze. 'Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?' I asked. She jokingly replied, 'I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids...' 'No seriously,' I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age. 'I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!' she told me. After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake. We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this 'time machine' as she shared her wisdom and experience with me. Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up. At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor. Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, 'I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know.' As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, ' We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing. There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die. We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it! There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old.. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight. Anybody can grow older! That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change. Have no regrets. The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets.' She concluded her speech by courageously singing 'The Rose.' She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives. At the year's end, Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago. One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep. Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be.

.