Be Careful!

Not that any of my readers would need this for themselves, but you might know someone you could pass it along to.

The Stages of Drunkenness

1. Smart: Got all the answers. Just ask me!
2. Good Looking: Totally irresistible to the opposite sex.
3. Rich: Money? No problem! How much do you need?
4. Strong: Can whip anybody, anytime, anywhere.
5. Stupid: Can't walk, talk, think, and doesn't know it.

Too Close

Penned on the wall in the ladies' room: My husband follows me everywhere.

Written just below was: I do not!

Remember?

When the 3-year-old boy opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
His mother was not so pleased. She turned to her mother and said, "I'm surprised at you! Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
The grandmother smiled and replied, "I remember."

For the Hunting Season

Fritz and Frieda went camping in the mountains and took Frieda's mother along. Fritz and Frieda returned to the campsite from a walk to find a huge, mean-looking bear face-to-face with Frieda's mom.

Frieda screamed to Fritz. "You've got to do something or there's going to be bloodshed.

Fritz answered, "I'm staying out of it. The bear got himself into this mess. He can get himself out!"

Depositing Happiness

One summer day, a petite and well-poised 92-year-old woman, who fully dressed herself, put on makeup and fashionably coiffed her hair before 8 am each morning, moved into a nursing home. Her husband of 70 years, a beloved pastor in their community, had recently passed away, making the move necessary.

After many hours of waiting patiently, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready. As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, her escort provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheet that had been hung on her window.

"I love it," she stated, with the enthusiasm of an 8-year-old who'd just received a new puppy.

"Mrs. Jones, you haven't seen the room, just wait."

"That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. How the room is arranged has nothing to do with whether or not I will like it ... it's how I have arranged my mind. I have already decided to love it!"

She went on to share, "Each morning when I wake up, I choose to be positive and work with what I have, not dwell on what I have lost. As long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away just for this time in my life."

Just Between Us, Summer 2009

What Do You See?

One day a certain old, rich man of a miserable disposition visited a rabbi, who took the rich man by the hand and led him to a window. "Look out there," he said. The rich man looked into the street. "What do you see?" asked the rabbi.
"I see men, women and children," answered the rich man.
Again the rabbi took him by the hand and this time led him to a mirror. "Now what do you see?"
"Now I see myself," the rich man replied.
Then the rabbi said, "Behold, in the window there is glass, and in the mirror there is glass. But the glass of the mirror is covered with a little silver. No sooner is the silver added than you cease to see others but see only yourself."

Need Directions?

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him. He drove the cat 20 blocks from his home and left him at the park. As the man arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, the man drove the cat 40 blocks away. He put the creature out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

The man kept taking the cat farther and farther away, yet the cat would always beat him home. At last, the man decided to drive a few miles away. He turned right, then left, past a bridge, then took more turns until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later, the man called home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," his wife answered, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man said, "Put him on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"

Sometimes You Don't Want to Know the Future

A lonely frog, desperate for any form of company, telephoned a psychic hotline to find out what his future had in store. He spoke with a psychic adviser for a little while.
She told him, "You're going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog was thrilled and said, "This is great! Where will I meet her -- at work, at a party?"
"Nope," said the psychic, "in a biology class."