Monday, May 24, 2010
Threat is over for three months
Little Billy went up to his teacher and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my dad said if I didn't get better grades, someone is going to get a spanking!"
Tragedy
A mother told her two blond daughters that at her death she wanted to be buried at sea. They drowned trying to dig the grave.
[I'm sorry for passing that one on -- I just washed my fingers and can't do a thing with them!]
[I'm sorry for passing that one on -- I just washed my fingers and can't do a thing with them!]
Could it just be?
Perhaps you heard Jay Leno's comment -- worth considering and passing along:
With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mudslides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of swine flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?
With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mudslides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of swine flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?
On Being Green
After the crinkly, noisy sermon of 5-23-2010 (the new Sun Chip bags are extremely noisy), I thought I might as well offer some other observations on conservation and planetary health.
An energy-conservation fanatic is on his deathbed surrounded by his family. He asks, "Is my wife here?" She replies, "Yes, I'm here, Dear." He asks, "Are my children here?" They reply, "Yes, we're here, Father." He asks, "Are my grandchildren and neighbors here?" They all say, "Yes, we're here!" Then he lifts himself out of bed and points out the door. "Well, if everyone's here, why are the lights and television on in the living room?"
An energy-savvy consumer replaced all the windows in her house. She had expensive, double-insulated, energy-efficient windows installed. Twelve months later, she received a call from the contractor, who complained that the work had been done for a year, but she had failed to pay for it. She quickly replied, "The salesman who sold me those told me that in one year they would pay for themselves!"
An energy-conservation fanatic is on his deathbed surrounded by his family. He asks, "Is my wife here?" She replies, "Yes, I'm here, Dear." He asks, "Are my children here?" They reply, "Yes, we're here, Father." He asks, "Are my grandchildren and neighbors here?" They all say, "Yes, we're here!" Then he lifts himself out of bed and points out the door. "Well, if everyone's here, why are the lights and television on in the living room?"
An energy-savvy consumer replaced all the windows in her house. She had expensive, double-insulated, energy-efficient windows installed. Twelve months later, she received a call from the contractor, who complained that the work had been done for a year, but she had failed to pay for it. She quickly replied, "The salesman who sold me those told me that in one year they would pay for themselves!"
The Church Has Left The Building
Radio host John Young recently posted this on crosswalk.com:
I saw a group of people eagerly passing out snacks and hot cocoa on an Atlanta street. The group was dressed in a uniform of sorts that read "The Church Has Left The Building."
Surprisingly, the church name wasn't on the shirt. No plug. No quotas being met. No guilt being given in the form of "We fed you, now come visit us." That a church would simply want to serve -- without any apparent effort to self-promote -- is rare, indeed, in our culture today.
Let the church hear this as a prophetic word!!
I saw a group of people eagerly passing out snacks and hot cocoa on an Atlanta street. The group was dressed in a uniform of sorts that read "The Church Has Left The Building."
Surprisingly, the church name wasn't on the shirt. No plug. No quotas being met. No guilt being given in the form of "We fed you, now come visit us." That a church would simply want to serve -- without any apparent effort to self-promote -- is rare, indeed, in our culture today.
Let the church hear this as a prophetic word!!
Say What?
While I have no way of verifying these comments, they are supposed to be transcripts of things people actually said in a court of law. At any rate, they're good for a chuckle.
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?
Q: You went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting up on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
It is always wise procedure to make sure the brain is functioning properly before engaging the mouth!
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?
Q: You went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting up on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
It is always wise procedure to make sure the brain is functioning properly before engaging the mouth!
Monday, May 3, 2010
Perseverance
You win some, you lose some, and some get rained out. But you gotta suit up for them all.
-- J. Askenberg
Unconditional Love
Listen to Henri J. M. Nouwen, in his book, Bread for the Journey:
We often confuse unconditional love with unconditional approval. God loves us without conditions but does not approve of every human behavior. God doesn't approve of betrayal, violence, hatred, suspicion and all other expressions of evil, because they all contradict the love God wants to instill in the human heart. Evil is the absence of God's love. Evil does not belong to God.
God's unconditional love means that God continues to love us even when we say or think evil things. God continues to wait for us as a loving parent waits for the return of a lost child. It is important for us to hold on to the truth that God never gives up loving us even when God is saddened by what we do. That truth will help us to return to God's ever-present love.
We often confuse unconditional love with unconditional approval. God loves us without conditions but does not approve of every human behavior. God doesn't approve of betrayal, violence, hatred, suspicion and all other expressions of evil, because they all contradict the love God wants to instill in the human heart. Evil is the absence of God's love. Evil does not belong to God.
God's unconditional love means that God continues to love us even when we say or think evil things. God continues to wait for us as a loving parent waits for the return of a lost child. It is important for us to hold on to the truth that God never gives up loving us even when God is saddened by what we do. That truth will help us to return to God's ever-present love.
True Value
God's love doesn't seek value; it creates value. It is not because we have value that we are loved but because we are loved that we have value.
-- William Sloane Coffin
Follow the Leader
S.I. McMillen, in his book None of These Diseases, tells a story of a young woman who wanted to go to college, but her heart sank when she read the question on the application form that asked, "Are you a leader?" Being both honest and conscientious, she wrote, "No," and returned the application, expecting the worst. To her surprise, the young woman received this letter from the college:
Dear Applicant: A study of the application forms reveals that this year our college will have 1, 452 new leaders. We are accepting you because we feel it is imperative that they have at least one follower."
Dear Applicant: A study of the application forms reveals that this year our college will have 1, 452 new leaders. We are accepting you because we feel it is imperative that they have at least one follower."
A Glimpse at Golf
John, an avid golfer, came in from the course one Saturday. His wife, Mary, asked him with whom he had played that day. He said, "Oh, no one in particular."
She asked, "Why don't you play with Bill anymore?"
John replied, " Would you like to play golf with someone who throws his clubs, swears all the time, lies about his scores, moves his ball in the rough, and won't stop talking while you're trying to play a shot?"
"Of course not!" exclaimed Mary.
John said, "Well, neither does Bill."
She asked, "Why don't you play with Bill anymore?"
John replied, " Would you like to play golf with someone who throws his clubs, swears all the time, lies about his scores, moves his ball in the rough, and won't stop talking while you're trying to play a shot?"
"Of course not!" exclaimed Mary.
John said, "Well, neither does Bill."
Too Simple
An arrogant astronomer approached a minister at a party. "Pastor," the astronomer smugly asked, "Wouldn't you agree that all of Christian theology could be summed up in this simple song, "Jesus loves me, th is I know, for the Bible tells me so"?
"Yes," the pastor replied, "if you would agree that all of astronomy can be summed up in this song, "Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are!"
As simple as it is to move into a relationship with God ("Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and you shall be saved") there are unfathomed depths of God's grace, mercy, love and forgiveness waiting for us to begin our exploration ... depths of many magnitude greater than the farthest reaches of the universe. Praise be to God Almighty!
"Yes," the pastor replied, "if you would agree that all of astronomy can be summed up in this song, "Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are!"
As simple as it is to move into a relationship with God ("Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and you shall be saved") there are unfathomed depths of God's grace, mercy, love and forgiveness waiting for us to begin our exploration ... depths of many magnitude greater than the farthest reaches of the universe. Praise be to God Almighty!
Perfect Safety
In the forest fire, there is always one place where the fire cannot reach. It is the place where the fire has already burned itself out. Calvary is the place where the fire of God's judgment against sin burned itself out completely. It is there that we are safe.
...........................-- Corrie ten Boom
...........................-- Corrie ten Boom
Huh?
A fellow always stopped at the pretzel stand outside his workplace, place $2 on the counter, but didn't take a pretzel. One day, the stand operator said, "I've got something I'd like to say to you."
"Oh, I know," the fellow says, "You want to know why I put down $2 every day and don't take a pretzel, don't you?"
"No," said the vendor, "I just wanted to tell you they've gone up to $2.50."
Now, can anyone tell me why once we've experienced a blessing for awhile, we begin to assume it's ours by right, and we get upset if it stops. We may never have asked for it. We didn't earn it. But we just ASSUME it will keep on and on. Somewhere it changes from a gift for which we're thankful, and turns into an obligation which we expect to be fulfilled.
How marvelous is God's patience with us, even when we're ungrateful!
"Oh, I know," the fellow says, "You want to know why I put down $2 every day and don't take a pretzel, don't you?"
"No," said the vendor, "I just wanted to tell you they've gone up to $2.50."
Now, can anyone tell me why once we've experienced a blessing for awhile, we begin to assume it's ours by right, and we get upset if it stops. We may never have asked for it. We didn't earn it. But we just ASSUME it will keep on and on. Somewhere it changes from a gift for which we're thankful, and turns into an obligation which we expect to be fulfilled.
How marvelous is God's patience with us, even when we're ungrateful!
How to Travel
A man at the airline counter tells the rep, "I'd like this bag to go to Berlin, this one to California, and this one to London."
The rep says, "I'm sorry, sir. We can't do that."
The man replied, "Nonsense. That's what you did the last time I flew with you."
The rep says, "I'm sorry, sir. We can't do that."
The man replied, "Nonsense. That's what you did the last time I flew with you."
Thoughts on Temptation
I remember a recurring sketch on some old kid's show called "How NOT to do things." Here are some thoughts on temptation that would have fit there:
.
.
- I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. -- Mae West
- The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it. -- Oscar Wilde
- I couldn't help it. I can resist everything except temptation. -- Oscar Wilde
- The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come your way again. -- Korman's Law
- Ever notice that the whisper of temtation can be heard farther than the loudest call to duty? -- Earl Wilson
- Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. -- Winston Churchill
And a note about how we rationalize our sins, turning vice into "virtue":
.
- I'm not committing adultery; I'm just finding the love I need.
- I'm not living a greedy lifestyle of overconsumption; I'm just pursuing the American Dream.
- I'm not acting unecthically when I cheat my customers; I'm just following the laws of the marketplace.
- I'm not abusing my child' I'm just enforcing a little discipline.
Temptation we can resist. But if we mix it with rationalization, we're headed for trouble. That's a very dangerous combination, and NEVER leads to anything good.
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