Turn, Turn, Turn

The guy from the city went driving in the country one day, but the signs on the road weren't very good. Eventually, he got lost. Finally, he pulled up in front of this farmhouse where he saw an old fellow sitting on the porch.

"Have you lived here all your life?" he asked. The farmer replied, "Not yet!"

"Umm, well, can you tell me how far it is to the town of Mill Pond?"

"Well," said the old farmer, "the way you're goin' it's about 24,996 miles. But if you turn around, it's about four."

And therein lies the definition of repentance.

Paying Attention

A fellow went to a farmer and bought a mule, who assured him that the mule was obedient and would respond to the owner's every command. Yet, no sooner had the man started for home with his new purchase than the stubborn beast stopped in the middle of the road and refused to budge. Nothing the man tried could get it to move.

He walked back to the farmer, doing a slow burn. He accused him of false advertising.

The farmer said scarcely a word. He picked up a two-by-four and gestured to the man to come with him. The two of them walked down the road to where the mule was standing. The farmer hit the beast over the head with the two-by-four and said, "Move!" The animal complied.

"What's that all about?" demanded the mule's new owner. "You promised he'd obey my command!"

"He will," said the farmer, "but first you have to get his attention."

How do YOU respond to God's call? Do you listen to His still small voice and obey, or does He have to hit you in the head with a two-by-four to get your attention?

The Old Rugged Cross

Clarence Jordan, author of the Cotton Patch New Testament translation, was getting a red-carpet tour of another minister's church. With pride the minister pointed to the rich, imported pews and luxurious decorations. As they stepped outside, darkness was falling, and a spotlight shone on a huge cross atop the steeple.

"That cross alone cost us $10,000," the minister said with a satisfied smile.

"You got cheated," said Jordan. "Times were when Christians could get them for free."

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Hard Work

There is an ancient Roman aqueduct near the Spanish city of Segovia. An aqueduct is a sort of elevated trestle over which water flows. This one was constructed in the year A.D. 109. For 1800 years, the aqueduct carried cool water from the mountains to the hot and thirsty city. As many as 60 generations depended on this marvel of engineering for their drinking water.

Then came another generation, in more recent years, who said to each other, "This aqueduct is an architectural marvel. It's a historical treasure that ought to be preserved. We should give it a well-earned rest."

That's exactly what they did. They detoured the water flow away from the ancient stones and channeled it through modern pipes. They put up historical markers so tourists would know who had constructed the aqueduct, and for what purpose. They celebrated the fact that their city's water system was now modern in every way.

But then, a strange thing began to happen. The Roman aqueduct began to fall apart. The sun beating down on its dry mortar, without the constant flow of water to cool it, caused to to crumble. In time, the massive structural stones threatened to fall. What 18 centuries of hard service had not been able to destroy, a few years of idleness nearly did.

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Leaning on the Everlasting Arms

In Mourning into Dancing, Walter Wangerin tells an event in his childhood. He said he always told people that his daddy was stronger than anyone else in the world. Now, in those childhood days, a cherry tree grew in their back yard, and it was Walter's favorite hiding place. Ten feet above the ground there was a stout limb that made a horizontal fork, a cradle in which he could like face down, reading, thinking, being alone. Nobody bothered him there. Even his parents didn't know where he went to hide. Sometimes Dad would come out and call, "Wally? Wally?" but wouldn't see him hidden among the leaves. "I felt very tricky," Wangerin recalls.

But one day a wind tore through their backyard and hit the tree with such force that it tore the book Wally was reading from his hands and threw him from his limb. Hear the story as he tells it.

Then came the thunderstorm ... It was usual for me to dream in my tree and therefore not to notice changes in the weather. So if the sky grew dark or gave any warning, I didn't see it. [When the wind threw me from my limb] I locked my arms around the forking branches and hung on. My head hung down between them. I tried to wind my legs around the limb, but the whole tree was wallowing in the wind.

"Daddy!" As the wind blew he felt his arms were going to slip from the branches.

"Daddeeeee!"

Daddy saw me, and right away he came out into the wind and weather, and I felt so relieved because I just took it for granted that he would climb up the tree to get me. But that wasn't his plan at all. He came to a spot right below me and lifted his arms and shouted, "Jump!"

"What?"

"Jump, I'll catch you."

I screamed, "No!"

But as the wind continued to blow, he changed his mind. He let go.
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In a fast eternal moment I despaired and I plummeted. 'This,' I thought, 'is what it is like to die!'
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But my father's arms caught me.
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Oh, my daddy -- he had strong arms indeed. Very strong arms. But it wasn't until I actually experienced the strength that I also believed in it.
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Follow the SHEPHERD

.An Episcopalian priest told of this event while leading his parishioners on a tour of the Holy Land. They were bouncing along a lonely dirt road when their Palestinian driver slowed to a stop. A flock of sheep was blocking the road. Behind the sheep a man stood yelling and beating them with something akin to a leather whip. He was trying to make them move on ahead.

Dismayed, the priest commented to the driver, "This is contrary to everything I have ever read in the Bible about a shepherd. I thought a shepherd was supposed to lead and the sheep would follow."

The Arab driver smiled and said, "He's not a shepherd. He's the butcher!"

And so it is when you feel beaten down and berated, driven by fear or criticism, it is NOT the Good Shepherd. It is the DEVIL on your back!

-- Kari Myers

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Guilty Cookies -- A Fable

.One day, a shopper at the local outlet mall felt the need for a coffee break. So she bought herself a little bag of cookies and put them in her shopping bag.

She then go in line for coffee, found a place to sit at one of the crowded tables, and then, taking the lid off her coffee and taking out a magazine, she began to sip her coffee and read.

Across the table from her a man sat reading a newspaper. After a minute or two, she reached out and took a cookie. As she did, the man seated across the table reached out and took one, too. This totally surprised her, but she smiled and didn't say anything.

A few moments later she took another cookie. Once again the man did so, too. Now was a bit irritated. He should get his own cookies and not presume upon her good nature.

After having a couple sips of coffee, she once again took another cookies. So did the gentleman seated across. Now she was upset -- especially since now only one cookie remained. Apparently the man also realized that only one cookie was left. Before she could say anything, he took it, broke it in half, offered half to her, and proceeded to eat the other half himself. Then he smiled at her and, putting the paper under his arm, rose and walked off.

Was she steamed! Her coffee break ruined, already thinking ahead of how she would tell this offense to her family, she folded her magazine, opened her shopping bag ... and there discovered her own unopened bag of cookies.

Funny (of a different sort)

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You've probably seen this, but as my forgetful friend says, "It bears repeating!"
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• Funny how tiring it is to serve God for one hour, but how quickly a team plays 60 minutes of basketball.
• Funny how long a couple of hours spent at church are, but how short they are when watching a movie.
• Funny how we can't thing of anything to say when we pray, but how easy it is to chat with a friend.
• Funny how thrilled we get when a baseball game goes extra innings, but we complain when a sermon is longer than usual.
• Funny how we want a front seat at a game or concert but scramable to get a back seat at church.
• Funny how we need a two- or three-week notice to fit a church event into our schedule, but can adjust our schedule at the last minute for other events.
• Funny how big $100 looks when you take it to church, but it's so small at the mall.
• Funny how hard it is to read a chapter in the Bible, but how easy it is to read 100 pages of a best seller.
• Funny how hard it is for people to learn a simple plan of salvation, but how simple it is for the same people to understand and repeat gossip.
• Funny how we believe what the newspaper says, but question what the Bible says.

-- World's Greatest Collection of Church Jokes, Paul M. Miller, ed.

Funny Bits (hopefully)

• Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
• Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
• Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
• If you upset your wife, she nags you. But if you upset her even more, you get the silent treatment.
• The man's wife made him join a bridge club. He jumps off next Tuesday.
• "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect!"

And then there was the elderly Floridian who called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into. She was hysterical as she explained her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher urged her to remain calm, that an officer was on the way.

A few minutes later, the officer radioed in. "Disregard," he said. "She got in the back seat by mistake."

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Acting Like A Christian

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A certain Christian man lived in the southern part of China and was a rice farmer. His farm was located in the middle of a hill. In time of drought he used a water wheel, worked manually by a treadmill, to life water from an irrigation stream into his field.

His neighbor had two fields below his. One night this neighbor made a breach in the retaining bank and drained off all the water from the Christian's field into his two fields. When the Christian noticed the breach he repaired it and filled his field again. This happened three more times.

Finally he consulted some of Christian friends and told them what he suspected his neighbor of doing. He said to them, "I've tried to be patient, but is it right to continue to be quiet about this?"

After they had prayed together about it, one of them said, "If we only try to do the right thing, then surely we are poor Christians. We have to do something more than that which is right."

The troubled Christian took these words to heart. The next morning, instead of repairing the breach once again, he first filled his neighbor's two fields and then in the afternoon he filled his own field.

After that, the water stayed in his field. His neighbor was so amazed at his actions that he began to inquire the reason and in time he, too, became a Christian.

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The Covenant Cup -- sound familiar?

Rabbi Zola Levitt, a Messianic Jew [one who accepts Jesus as Messiah] from Israel, tells the story of the Covenant Cup, one that symbolizes the commitment God gives to us and seeks from us.

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Levitt tells of the Jewish tradition of a young man and his father going to the home of a young woman to whom he hoped to become engaged. When the father and son arrived, they would negotiate the price of marriage with the young woman's father.

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After a deal was reached, the young man would enter the adjoining room where he would be alone with the young woman. He would take his family's Covenant Cup, fill it with wine, and place it before the young woman with these words: "I set my covenant Cup before you, it is my blood, Take and drink this cup, and seal this covenant to be mine."

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The young woman had two choices: take the cup and drink, thus sealing the covenant with the young man, or refuse the cup and wait for another groom. If the woman took the cup and sealed the covenant, the young man would next report in a voice loud enough for the fathers in the next room to hear him: "I go now to prepare a place for you, and if I go and preapare a place for you I will come again and receive you to myself, so that where I am you may be also."

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This engagement ritual was a ritual of commitment. Through the Covenant Cup, the young man promised to marry the girl, promised to prepare a place for her, and promised to return for her at a later time. The young woman promised to wait, to be faithful, and to marry the young man upon his return.

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Don't you hear echoes of this in Jesus' words to His bride, the church? What could we call the cup at the Last Supper, but a Covenant Cup? "This is my blood ... a new covenant." His promises to go and prepare a place for us, and a promise to return for us. He speaks in Covenant language, in marriage language, in commitment language. How wonderful!

I have no doubt that Jesus will be faithful to His promises. But notice the promise of the young woman in the tradition -- she promised to waith and BE FAITHFUL. While Jesus Christ will doubtless be faithful to us, have we, the church, been as faithful to Him?

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A Little Help, Revisited

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In the highlands of Scotland, sheep will often wander off into the rocks and get into places that they can't get out of. The grass on these mountains is very sweet and the sheep like it, and they will jump down 10 or 12 feet, and then they can't jump back again, and the shepherd hears them bleating in distress.

They may be there for days, until they have eaten all the grass. The shepherd will wait until they are so faint they cannot stand, and then they will put a rope around them, and he will go over and pull the sheep up out of the jaws of death.

Why doesn't the shepherd go down there when the sheep first get there? "Because," replied one shepherd, "they are so very foolish they would dash right over the precipice and be killed if they did!"

Moral: Too often it's only when we give up trying to "go it alone" that we're ready to receive some help.

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A Little Help?

While this story is about a police officer and not a soldier, I love the message in both picture and story that "I'm here to help!"

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It seems that while taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, a policeman was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at his uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," he answered, and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," he told her. "Well then," she said as she extended her foot toward him, "would you please tie my shoe?"

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Perspective

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This is a bit of an oldie, but I enjoyed reading it again -- good for a chuckle, good for a thought.

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A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then he saw an enveloped propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands.

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Dear Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my yes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, Your Son, John

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P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report card that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

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I Still Know

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He was in his 80's, and his wife had been in a nursing home for some time. He faithfully continued to do everything for her that he possibly could. One day he had to stop at a medical clinic to have some stitches removed from his thumb. He asked the nurse if the doctor could see him quickly, because he had an important appointment at 9 a.m. "What appointment is that?" the nurse wanted to know. "I need to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with my wife." "Is your wife ill?" asked the nurse. "Yes, she has Alzhermier's." "Would your wife mind if you were a bit late?" "Oh, no," he said, "she hasn't recognized me for five years." "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?"

And the man just smiled. "She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is."

.............................................Rumors, Ralph Milton

Why Do You Need Money If Jesus Is Coming Soon?

A man was watching a TV evangelist one day, who was hawking a book about the end of the world. "Buy this book," the evangelist was saying, "and you will learn how to read the signs of the times, so you may know that Jesus is coming very soon."

The viewer was a gutsy sort of fellow, so he called up the televangelist's 800 number and asked them to send him a book for free. They couldn't do that, they told him. The cost of the book was $15.95, but if he could supply them a major credit-card number ...

"No, you don't understand," he said. "I don't understand why you're asking for money at all. If you really believe Jesus is coming soon, you won't need money. You should be giving the books away!"

(I'm sure that, with that, the operator was no longer standing by.)

That story reminds me of my Senior Pastor when I was Associate Pastor in Somerset. Perhaps you've seen these posts or crosses upon which the words are emblazoned -- "Jesus is Coming Soon." He had no problem with the words -- he just couldn't understand why they were making the posts/crosses out of CONCRETE instead of wood. His thought was like the TV viewer above -- if you really believe Jesus is coming SOON, you don't need concrete, mere wood will do.

I wonder how often we really announce we don't believe something we say we do, because our actions don't line up with our pronouncement? What about YOU? Are you backing up what you say you believe by acting like you believe it?

Confidence ... or Arrogance? The Take-Down

There's a story told about Muhammad Ali, the former heavyweight boxing champion. He's the one who used to say simply, "I am the greatest." He truly considered himself above the normal threats of daily life ... as, for instance, gravity.

One day he was on a flight when the passengers were told to fasten their seat belts. Seeing that Ali hadn't done so, one of the flight attendants asked him to fasten his belt.

Ali replied, "Superman don't need no seat belt."

.To which the flight attendant aptly replied, "And Superman don't need no plane either."

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Who's Calling Your Name?

Sir David Edgeworth and his assistant, Douglas Mawson, accompanied Ernest Shackleton on his legendary expedition to the South Pole in 1907-1909. While working in his tent one day, Mawson heard the muffled of Sir Edgeworth outside: "Are you very busy?" Edgeworth asked. "Yes, I am," Mawson replied. "What's the matter?" "Are you really very busy?" Edgeworth asked again. "Yes," snapped Mawson. "What is it you want?" "Well," Edgeworth replied apologetically after a moment of silence, "I'm down a crevasse, and I don't think I can hang on much longer."

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How many are calling our name, needing our help and the help of Christ, but we're too busy to notice?

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When Your End Comes

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A little boy was seen taking a shortcut across a cemetery lot just about dark. he was later asked, "Aren't you afraid?" "No, I only cut through here to get home." Really, that's all death is ... a shortcut to home.

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Two guys were sitting in a bar talking about their relatives. "My grandfather," said the first guy, "knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year, too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that, too." "Wow, that's incredible," his friend replied. "How did he know all of that?" The first guy said, "A judge told him."

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A little boy was on a train running the long trip between two Western cities. It was a hot, dusty day, very uncomfortable for traveling, and that particular ride was perhaps the most uninteresting day's journey in the whole land. But the little fellow sat patiently watching the fields and the fences hurrying by until a motherly old lady leaned forward to ask with some sympathy in her voice, "Aren't you tired of the long ride, dear, and the dust and the heat?" The little boy looked up brightly, and smiled, "Yes, ma'am, a little. But I don't mind it much, because my father is going to meet me when I get to the end of it. And so it is for the Christian ... we know who's waiting for us at the end of the ride.

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Some Corn for Dinner

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From Yogi Berra:

• .Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hittin'.
• You give a hundred percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough, in the second half you give what's left.
• Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore, it's too crowded.
• Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.
• You can observe a lot by watching.
• A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
• It's deja vu all over again.
• If you come to a fork in the road, take it.
• I usually take a two-hour nap, from one o'clock to four.
• Hey Yogi, what time is it? You mean now?

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And on communication:

Bud and Millie, an older couple, lived out in a rural area, and didn't make it into town very often. One day his wife obtained a copy of a ladies' magazine that touted the benefits of taking a milk bath. She decided this was just what she needed to make her feel beautiful, and sent her husband to a neighboring dairy farm to purchase the milk. When he arrived, Bud told the dairy farmer that he wanted to purchase enough milk for his wife to take a milk bath. The dairy farmer asked, "Do you want the milk pasteurized?" "No," replied Bud, "just up to her neck will do just fine."

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