Don't Be So Frightened

A woman came to the hospital to visit a friend. She hadn't been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating-looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.
"So would I," said the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."

Fitness Program?

When an applicant asked if the company had a fitness program, the human-resources manager replied, "Oh, our employees don't need one. They are routinely JUMPING to conclusions, FLYING off the handle, BEATING around the bush, RUNNING down the boss, GOING in circles, DRAGGING their feet, DODGING responsibilities, PASSING the buck, CLIMBING the ladder, WADING through paperwork, PULLING strings, THROWING their weight around, STRETCHING the truth,  BENDING the rules, and PUSHING their luck!"

And then there was the wag who said: "If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees!"

Common Sense

-- from PURE LIVING

Always try to stop talking before people stop listening.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brainse, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Women are like phones. They love to be held and talked to. But if you press the wrong button you must might be disconnected!

Rule of Holes # 1: If you've gotten yourself into one, stop digging.

Be careful listening to experts: they tend to tell you what can't be done and why.

Holy, Holy, Holy

Many Christians have what we might call a "cultural holiness." They adapt to the character and behavior pattern of Christians around them. As the Christian culture around them is more or less holy, so these Christians are more or less holy. But God has not called us to be like those around us. He has called us to be like himself. Holiness is nothing less than conformity to the character of God.

-- Jerry Bridges

Discipline and/or Discipleship

"Discipline is the other side of discipleship. Discipleship without discipline is like waiting to run in the marathon without ever practicing. Discipline without discipleship is like always practicing for the marathon but never participating. It is important, however, to realize that discipline in the spiritual life is not the same as discipline in sports. Discipline is sports is the concentrated effort to master the body so that it can obey the mind better. Discipline in the spiritual life is the concentrated effort to create the space and time where God can become our master and where we can respond freely to God's guidance."

-- Henri Nouwen

Bread for the Journey

Top 10 Signs You're Not Reading Your Bible Enough

10. The preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians ... and you check the table of contents.
9. You think Abraham, Isaac and Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the '60s.
8. You open to the gospel of Luke, and a World War II savings bond falls out.
7. Your favorite Old Testament patriarch is Hercules.
6. A small family of wood chucks has taken up residence in Psalms.
5. You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the concordance or the table of contents.
4. Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?"
3. You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.
2. You keep falling for it every time the pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.

And the No. 1 sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:
1. The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the shepherd boy and his ark of many colors."

New Disciplinary Move

The other Sunday after worship, a young mother told how she got her fidgety child to sit still and be quiet. She said that halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Brother Wayne is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!" And she added as she went out the door, "It worked!"

And then there was the time I preached on how Jesus fed 5000 men and their families with two loaves and fishes. After the service, three guys wanted to know if the fish were bass or catfish, and what bait Jesus used to catch them

Does that mean they were rednecks? Well, you might  be a redneck:

• If you think fast food is hitting a opossum at 75 mph.
• Fifth grade was the best four years of your life.
• You own a homemade fur coat.
• You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
• You think Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
• Your goal in life is to own a fireworks stand (a new option here in Kentucky), or if
• You think the stock market has a fence around it.

(Un)Common Sense

• The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday.
• No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
• We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating.
• GREETING CARDS -- when you care enough to send the very best, but not enough to actually write something.
• Some people quit looking for work after finding a job.
• One fellow claimed to give 100% effort on the job -- the only problem was, it was 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, and 5% on Friday.

Beware! New Computer Virus Discovered

Even the most advanced antivirus programs from McAfee's or Norton's cannot take care of this newly classified virus.
Virus symptoms:

1. Tricks you into sending blank e-mails.
2. Results in your sending an e-mail to the wrong person.
3. Causes you to send the e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
4. Makes you forget to affix the attachment.
5. triggers your pressing SEND before you've finished.
6. Forces you to hit DELETE instead of SEND.
7. Pressures you into clicking SEND when you should click DELETE.
8. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
9. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.

This virus affects only people who were born before 1958. And oh, by the way, I nearly forgot: this virus is called the C-NILE VIRUS.

Arguments

No matter what side of the argument you are on, you always find people on your side that you wish where on the other.

-- Jascha Heifetz

One thing I've learned from my last relationship is that if an argument starts with, "What did you mean by that?" it isn't going to end with, "Now I know what you mean by that."

-- Unknown

Eternal LIfe

One summer, two pastoral students from a Christian college in Alabama were doing evangelistic work door-to-door in a rural area. One hot day, they came up to a farmhouse through a gauntlet of screaming children and barking dogs. They knocked on the screen door. A woman stopped her scrubbing over a tub and washboard, brushed back her frazzled hair, wiped perspiration from her brow and asked them what they wanted. "We would like to tell you how to obtain eternal life," one student answered.
The tired homemaker hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Thank you, but I don't believe I could stand it!"

Who Gets the Toy?

Tom had won a toy at a raffle, and called his five kids together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. The children all stared back at him in silence. Then he asked, "Who never talks back to mother?" Again, the kids appeared to be mystified by the question. Then Tom asked, "Who does everything she says?" With that question, the kids were finally able to come to a conclusion. The five small voices answered in unison, "Okay, Dad, you get the toy."

On Walking

I know I need to be more disciplined about walking. But I did enjoy these Walking One-Liners in Homiletics magazine:

• I joined health club last year; spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to go there.
• Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
• The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, "Well, she looks good, doesn't she?"
• I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.

Death and Dying

Some older fellows were having a conversation about death and dying. The question came up, "What would you want people to say about you at your funeral?"
One replied, "I'd want people to say, 'He was a great and compassionate humanitarian who cared about those in need.'"
A second said, "I'd want people to say, 'He was a good father and husband, whose life was a fine example for others to follow.'"
A third answered, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"


A letter allegedly sent to a client by the Depart of Social Services in Greenville, South Carolina:

Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.

What You Heard Me Say Is Not What I Thought I Said

A man told that many years after receiving his graduate degree, he returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member. One day in a crosded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency. He remarked that the elevator hadn't changed in the 20 years since he began there as a student.
When the door finally opened, he felt a compassionate pat on his back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at him. "You'll get that degree, dear," she whispered. "Perseverance is a kind of virtue."

Be Careful Whom You Imitate

In The Song of the Bird, Anthony de Mello told about a man who, while walking through the forest, saw a fox that had lost its legs. He wondered how it lived. Then he saw a tiger come along with game in its mouth. The tiger ate his fill and left the rest of the meat for the fox to eat.
The next day, the man saw that the fox was fed in the same way. He marveled at God's greatness and declared, "I, too, shall just rest in a corner with full rust in the Lord, and He will provide me with all I need." He waited for many days, but nothing happened. He was close to dying of starvation when he heard a voice say, "O you, who are on the path of error, open your eyes to the truth! Follow the example of the tiger and stop imitating the disabled fox."

Winning the Race

The stadium was nearly empty. More than an hour earlier, the winner of the marathon in the 1968 Olympic Games in Mexico City had crossed the finish line. As the last spectators prepared to leave, John Stephen Akhwari of Tanzania hobbled into the stadium. His leg was bandaged and bloody. A fall during the race had deeply cut and dislocated his knee. Through obvious pain, he pressed on to become the last of 57 competitors to finish the race, a race that had begun with 74. When asked by a reporter why he hadn't give up, Akhwari paused as if mystified by the question. "My country did not send me 5,000 miles to Mexico City to start the race. They sent me 5,000 miles to finish the race."
It is wonderful, and the angels sing in heaven, when any person believes on Jesus Christ, and they begin their spiritual journey. But the greatest triumph is to those who not only begin well, but end well. That doesn't mean there may not be some falls along the way that leave us "bruised and bleeding," but Jesus didn't die on the cross for us just to begin well. He died there, so that we might end well, and thereby dwell with him in eternity.

On Travel

Since some of our members are touring with a school group in Greece this week, I offer some thoughts on travelling:

Some tips on packing: When preparing to travel, lay out all of your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.

-- Susan Heller

If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness and fears.

-- Cesare Pavese

The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only one page.

-- St. Augustine

I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.

-- Mark Twain

Life is a journey, not a guided tour.

-- Unknown

Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

-- Mark Twain

[Nor is that bad advice for Lenten disciples -- as we seek our Master in that same spirit.]

Made for another world

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probably explanation is that I was made for another world."

-- C. S. Lewis

So Much ....

Wow! So much has happened since I was last on here. Sciatica, "flu," kidney stones, blood pressure gyrations, our church secretary's illness, and so many other members facing dire illnesses and the loss of loved ones and friends. These have felt like desert days for many of us -- and I need to remember Jesus and His desert days -- the Temptation, the scorn, the opposition, Gethsemane, and finally the Cross. All were desert days, as He pressed on to do the Father's will. And that's just it ... He pressed on. When we feel the "heat" of our situation, breathless and weak, it's all too easy for us to give up, rather than pressing on. But if we stop to ask WWJD (What would Jesus do?), we'll find we must answer: "Keep praying, keep trusting, keep obeying, keep loving." It's not a matter of not knowing WHAT to do. It's a matter of WILL I do it? Praying, trusting, obeying, loving ... that ought to keep me busy as I wait for Easter.

Is This Your Experience of Retirement?

Q: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A: There is not enough time to get everything done. (Ha! And you thought things would get better when you retire!)

Q: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?
A: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Q: Why do retirees count pennies?
A: They're the only ones who have the time.

Q: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic, or garage?
A: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Q: What do retirees call a long lunch?
A: Normal.

Q: What is the best way to describe retirement?
A: The never-ending coffee break.

Are YOU the Answer to Someone's Prayer?

When Neil and Carol Anderson arrived in a Folopa village in Papua New Guinea, to being their Bible-translation work, a village elder sat them down. He said, "I have to tell you why you're here." The Andersons were very interested to know why, so they said, "Oh? Tell us."
The elder explained that some time earlier, an evangelist had come to their area and shared the gospel with them. They had started a church, but the evangelist had to leave for another village. The people lamented. "What will we do now? We don't know anything about God and Chrisianity!" The evangelist told them, " I want you to pray that God will send you a missionary." A few years later, the Andersons showed up to work on Bible translation, and everyone was very excited.
The elder said, "You thought you came here all on your own, but you didn't. We'd been praying that you would come. God put his leash on your arm, and he pulled you here."

Some Thoughts on Aging

A reporter was interviewing a 104-yr.-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
Her simple reply: "No peer pressure."
.
.
Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them 50 years from now.
"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business,'" declared the first.
The second said, "Fifty years from now, I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man.'"
"Me?' said the third -- "I want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age!'"

Child's Perception of Baptism

This Sunday past was The Baptism of the Lord. But a child's perceptions of things can lead to amusing comments. For instance, a father was in church with three of his young children, including his 5-yr.-old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so the children could properly witness the service. During this particular service, the minister was baptizing a tiny infant. The little girl was taken by this, observing that the minister was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.
With a quizzical look on her face, the girl turned to her father and asked, "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"

The little girl's perception is understandable. But since brainwashing carries the negative connotation of being a kind of weapon, let's see baptism as the heartwashing it is. No, don't expect me to suddenly begin splashing water on people's chests. But baptism WILL change the way we think, and feel, and act. So, yes, Lord, wash my brain, my heart, my soul, and make me pleasing in Your sight!

Notes from a New Calendar

When the time was right,
the sea parted,
the walls fell down,
the lions went hungry,
the sun stood still,
the waves were calm,
the stone was rolled away,
the clouds were parted,
the Lord ascended ...
And when the time is right,
the King of kings will return.

God is never early and He's never late --
He's always right on time and His plan for you is good.

'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'
--Jeremiah 29:11