New Disciplinary Move

The other Sunday after worship, a young mother told how she got her fidgety child to sit still and be quiet. She said that halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Brother Wayne is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!" And she added as she went out the door, "It worked!"

And then there was the time I preached on how Jesus fed 5000 men and their families with two loaves and fishes. After the service, three guys wanted to know if the fish were bass or catfish, and what bait Jesus used to catch them

Does that mean they were rednecks? Well, you might  be a redneck:

• If you think fast food is hitting a opossum at 75 mph.
• Fifth grade was the best four years of your life.
• You own a homemade fur coat.
• You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
• You think Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
• Your goal in life is to own a fireworks stand (a new option here in Kentucky), or if
• You think the stock market has a fence around it.

(Un)Common Sense

• The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday.
• No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
• We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating.
• GREETING CARDS -- when you care enough to send the very best, but not enough to actually write something.
• Some people quit looking for work after finding a job.
• One fellow claimed to give 100% effort on the job -- the only problem was, it was 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, and 5% on Friday.

Beware! New Computer Virus Discovered

Even the most advanced antivirus programs from McAfee's or Norton's cannot take care of this newly classified virus.
Virus symptoms:

1. Tricks you into sending blank e-mails.
2. Results in your sending an e-mail to the wrong person.
3. Causes you to send the e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
4. Makes you forget to affix the attachment.
5. triggers your pressing SEND before you've finished.
6. Forces you to hit DELETE instead of SEND.
7. Pressures you into clicking SEND when you should click DELETE.
8. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
9. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.

This virus affects only people who were born before 1958. And oh, by the way, I nearly forgot: this virus is called the C-NILE VIRUS.

Arguments

No matter what side of the argument you are on, you always find people on your side that you wish where on the other.

-- Jascha Heifetz

One thing I've learned from my last relationship is that if an argument starts with, "What did you mean by that?" it isn't going to end with, "Now I know what you mean by that."

-- Unknown

Eternal LIfe

One summer, two pastoral students from a Christian college in Alabama were doing evangelistic work door-to-door in a rural area. One hot day, they came up to a farmhouse through a gauntlet of screaming children and barking dogs. They knocked on the screen door. A woman stopped her scrubbing over a tub and washboard, brushed back her frazzled hair, wiped perspiration from her brow and asked them what they wanted. "We would like to tell you how to obtain eternal life," one student answered.
The tired homemaker hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Thank you, but I don't believe I could stand it!"

Who Gets the Toy?

Tom had won a toy at a raffle, and called his five kids together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. The children all stared back at him in silence. Then he asked, "Who never talks back to mother?" Again, the kids appeared to be mystified by the question. Then Tom asked, "Who does everything she says?" With that question, the kids were finally able to come to a conclusion. The five small voices answered in unison, "Okay, Dad, you get the toy."

On Walking

I know I need to be more disciplined about walking. But I did enjoy these Walking One-Liners in Homiletics magazine:

• I joined health club last year; spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to go there.
• Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
• The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, "Well, she looks good, doesn't she?"
• I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.