On Fund Raising

...The church secretary answered the phone, and the caller rather boisterously asked, "Is the head hog at the trough there?"
...The secretary said, "Please sir, do not refer to our pastor as the head hog at the trough. That's quite disrespectful."
..."Oh, I'm very sorry. I meant nothing by that. It's just a local phrase we use in the part of the country I come from. The real reason I called was to donate $100,000 to your building fund."
...To which the secretary promptly replied, "Hold on, sir. I see the 'Big Oinker' coming through the door right now."

I agree -- call me anything you like, just call me to supper, ... or to come collect a check! LOL)

Just for Fun

And

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Some general rules for life:

Advise your children to get you quality gifts. After all, they don't want to inherit junk.

Beware of bargains in life belts, parachutes, and heart transplants.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day; if you aren't home by then, you're in trouble!

Never hire an electrician with no eyebrows.

Be suspicious if your car mechanic has clean fingernails.

If lightning strikes, make sure you're walking next to a tall person.

If at first you don't succeed, sky-diving is not for you.

A few more funny thoughts...

The length of a minute depends entirely on what side of the bathroom door you are.

You may be nobody's fool now, but don't worry ... someone will adopt you.

A key ring is a handy little device that enables you to lose ALL your keys at once.

If the NASA scientists are all so smart, why do they count backwards?

It takes two mystery writers to change a light bulb ... one to screw it almost all the way in, and a second to give it a surprise twist at the end.

If a shepherd takes care of sheep, does a coward take care of cows?

If these aren't funny enough, please feel free to post your own in the comment section!!
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Of All the Things I've Lost ...

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.....The newspaper employee answered the phone only to hear an irate customer demanding an explanation for why her Sunday paper had not yet arrived on her doorstep.
....."Ma'am," said the employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday."
.....There was a long pause at the other end of the line, and then he heard the lady mutter, "Well! So that's why no one was at church today."

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Good Nutrition

.....Hey! I just wanted everybody to be up on the facts!
.....Chocolate is a vegetable: derived from cocoa beans -- Beans = Vegetables. Sugar is derived from sugar cane ... or sugar beets. Both are plants which place them in the vegetable category. Thus, CHOCOLATE IS A VEGETABLE!!
.....Chocolate candy bars contain milk, which is dairy. Health food! Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit. Eat up. Fruit is good for you!
.....To keep chocolate from melting in a hot car on the way home from the store, it is advisable to eat it in the parking lot. IF you eat a chocolate candy bar before a meal, it will take the edge off your appetite. You'll eat less.
.....To have a balanced diet, eat white and dark chocolate. Chocolate has many preservatives, they make you look and feel younger. Science has proved that chocolate lowers our blood pressure. BLESS THEM!
.....A nice box of chocolates has all your daily calories in ONE place. Handy! Put Eat Chocolate at the top of your TO DO list, and you will always have one task accomplished from the to-do list for the day!
.....Eat! Enjoy! Stay Healthy!
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And just to make that chocolate fix easier, here is:
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The Most Dangerous Cake Recipe in the World
(5 MINUTE CHOCOLATE MUG CAKE)
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4 tablespoons flour
4 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons cocoa
1 egg
3 tablespoons milk
3 tablespoons oil
3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional)
A small splash of vanilla extract
1 large coffee mug
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.....Add dry ingredients to mug, and mix well. Add the egg and mix thoroughly. Pour in the milk and oil and mix well......Add the chocolate chips (if using) and vanilla extract, and mix again. Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts......The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed!.....Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired. EAT!
.....(This can serve 2 if you want to feel slightly more virtuous).
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And why is this the most dangerous cake recipe in the world ? Because now we are all only 5 minutes away from chocolate cake at any time of the day or night!

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Want more proof of how good chocolate is for you? Look at this video!