(Un)Common Sense

• The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday.
• No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
• We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating.
• GREETING CARDS -- when you care enough to send the very best, but not enough to actually write something.
• Some people quit looking for work after finding a job.
• One fellow claimed to give 100% effort on the job -- the only problem was, it was 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, and 5% on Friday.

Beware! New Computer Virus Discovered

Even the most advanced antivirus programs from McAfee's or Norton's cannot take care of this newly classified virus.
Virus symptoms:

1. Tricks you into sending blank e-mails.
2. Results in your sending an e-mail to the wrong person.
3. Causes you to send the e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
4. Makes you forget to affix the attachment.
5. triggers your pressing SEND before you've finished.
6. Forces you to hit DELETE instead of SEND.
7. Pressures you into clicking SEND when you should click DELETE.
8. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
9. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.

This virus affects only people who were born before 1958. And oh, by the way, I nearly forgot: this virus is called the C-NILE VIRUS.

Arguments

No matter what side of the argument you are on, you always find people on your side that you wish where on the other.

-- Jascha Heifetz

One thing I've learned from my last relationship is that if an argument starts with, "What did you mean by that?" it isn't going to end with, "Now I know what you mean by that."

-- Unknown

Eternal LIfe

One summer, two pastoral students from a Christian college in Alabama were doing evangelistic work door-to-door in a rural area. One hot day, they came up to a farmhouse through a gauntlet of screaming children and barking dogs. They knocked on the screen door. A woman stopped her scrubbing over a tub and washboard, brushed back her frazzled hair, wiped perspiration from her brow and asked them what they wanted. "We would like to tell you how to obtain eternal life," one student answered.
The tired homemaker hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Thank you, but I don't believe I could stand it!"

Who Gets the Toy?

Tom had won a toy at a raffle, and called his five kids together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. The children all stared back at him in silence. Then he asked, "Who never talks back to mother?" Again, the kids appeared to be mystified by the question. Then Tom asked, "Who does everything she says?" With that question, the kids were finally able to come to a conclusion. The five small voices answered in unison, "Okay, Dad, you get the toy."

On Walking

I know I need to be more disciplined about walking. But I did enjoy these Walking One-Liners in Homiletics magazine:

• I joined health club last year; spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to go there.
• Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
• The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, "Well, she looks good, doesn't she?"
• I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.

Death and Dying

Some older fellows were having a conversation about death and dying. The question came up, "What would you want people to say about you at your funeral?"
One replied, "I'd want people to say, 'He was a great and compassionate humanitarian who cared about those in need.'"
A second said, "I'd want people to say, 'He was a good father and husband, whose life was a fine example for others to follow.'"
A third answered, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"


A letter allegedly sent to a client by the Depart of Social Services in Greenville, South Carolina:

Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.