Beware! New Computer Virus Discovered

Even the most advanced antivirus programs from McAfee's or Norton's cannot take care of this newly classified virus.
Virus symptoms:

1. Tricks you into sending blank e-mails.
2. Results in your sending an e-mail to the wrong person.
3. Causes you to send the e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
4. Makes you forget to affix the attachment.
5. triggers your pressing SEND before you've finished.
6. Forces you to hit DELETE instead of SEND.
7. Pressures you into clicking SEND when you should click DELETE.
8. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
9. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.

This virus affects only people who were born before 1958. And oh, by the way, I nearly forgot: this virus is called the C-NILE VIRUS.

Eternal LIfe

One summer, two pastoral students from a Christian college in Alabama were doing evangelistic work door-to-door in a rural area. One hot day, they came up to a farmhouse through a gauntlet of screaming children and barking dogs. They knocked on the screen door. A woman stopped her scrubbing over a tub and washboard, brushed back her frazzled hair, wiped perspiration from her brow and asked them what they wanted. "We would like to tell you how to obtain eternal life," one student answered.
The tired homemaker hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Thank you, but I don't believe I could stand it!"

Who Gets the Toy?

Tom had won a toy at a raffle, and called his five kids together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. The children all stared back at him in silence. Then he asked, "Who never talks back to mother?" Again, the kids appeared to be mystified by the question. Then Tom asked, "Who does everything she says?" With that question, the kids were finally able to come to a conclusion. The five small voices answered in unison, "Okay, Dad, you get the toy."

On Walking

I know I need to be more disciplined about walking. But I did enjoy these Walking One-Liners in Homiletics magazine:

• I joined health club last year; spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to go there.
• Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
• The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, "Well, she looks good, doesn't she?"
• I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.

Funeral Preparations

The elderly gentleman lay dying in his bed, when suddenly all thoughts of his passing were pushed aside by the wonderful aroma of his favorite home-made chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. With his last remaining strength, he struggled out of bed, and leaning against the wall, slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with intense concentration, got down the stairs by gripping the rail with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing wide-eyed into the kitchen.
On the table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies! Was this heaven? Or was it one final act of devotion from his wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture, one hand on the edge of the table. His aged and withered hand quiveringly made its way to a cookie near the edge of the table; feeling the warm, soft dough actually made the pain of his bones subside for a moment. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
What, then, was this sudden stinging that caused his hand to recoil? The man looked to see his wife, still holding the spatula she had just used to smack his hand. "Stay out of those!" she said. "They're for the funeral!"

Say What?

While I have no way of verifying these comments, they are supposed to be transcripts of things people actually said in a court of law. At any rate, they're good for a chuckle.

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?


Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?


Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?


Q: You went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?


Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?


Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting up on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.


It is always wise procedure to make sure the brain is functioning properly before engaging the mouth!

The Joys of Committee Work

Oh, give me a pity, I'm on a committee,
Which means that from morning to night,
We attend and amend and contend and defend
Without a conclusion in sight.

We confer and concur, we defer and demur
And reiterate all of our thoughts.
We revise the agenda with frequent addenda
And consider a load of reports.

We compose and propose, we suppose and oppose
And the points of procedure are fun!
But though various notions are brought up as motions
There's terribly little gets done.

We resolve and absolve, but never dissolve
Since it's out of the question for us.
What a shattering pity to end our committee,
Where else could we make such a fuss?
...............................................-- Phong Ngo

A committee defined: A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. But it all sounds great in a campaign speech.

-- Richard Long Harkness

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To get something done, a committee should consist of three men, two of whom are absent.

-- Robert Copeland

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A committee can make a decision that is dumber than any of its members.

-- David Coblit

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A committee is the perfect weapon to kill time.

Remember?

When the 3-year-old boy opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
His mother was not so pleased. She turned to her mother and said, "I'm surprised at you! Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
The grandmother smiled and replied, "I remember."

Need Directions?

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him. He drove the cat 20 blocks from his home and left him at the park. As the man arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, the man drove the cat 40 blocks away. He put the creature out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

The man kept taking the cat farther and farther away, yet the cat would always beat him home. At last, the man decided to drive a few miles away. He turned right, then left, past a bridge, then took more turns until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later, the man called home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," his wife answered, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man said, "Put him on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"

Sometimes You Don't Want to Know the Future

A lonely frog, desperate for any form of company, telephoned a psychic hotline to find out what his future had in store. He spoke with a psychic adviser for a little while.
She told him, "You're going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog was thrilled and said, "This is great! Where will I meet her -- at work, at a party?"
"Nope," said the psychic, "in a biology class."

Hopefully A-MOO-sing

A city fellow was tooling down a country road when h is car sputtered to a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver, getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows looking at him. "I believe it's your radiator," said the cow. Well, the man nearly jumped out of his skin, and running to the nearest farmhouse, knocked on the door and shouted, "A cow just gave me advice about my car!" as he pointed frantically back at the field.

The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to glance down at the field. "The cow with two big black spots on it?" the farmer asked slowly.

"Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied.

"Oh, Well, that's Betsy," the farmer said, turning back to the man. "Don't pay any attention to her. She doesn't know a darn thing about cars."

Oh my ...

This story is told by Don Lipinski, elementary school teacher:

In one recent fifth-and-sixth grade social studies class, we were discussing explorers and their routes. One insightful student asked me if I thought people in this era of history were smarter than people in recent history or even today. I responded by telling the class that I believed you could place certain individuals in any place in history and they would be smart. One of the examples I used was Einstein. After finishing my example, another student shouted out, "Einstein was real?"

Pithy Observations

• The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
• To prevent sagging skin, eat till the wrinkles fill out.
• Laughing stock is really just a cow with a sense of humor.
• You can't have everything ... where would you put it?
• If the shoe fits ... get another one just like it.
• If it ain't broke ... you don't live in a house with kids!

And I hope you parents of college freshmen don't have the experience of the family whose son came home at Thanksgiving with a semester's worth of dirty laundry. Soon after stepping into the laundry room, he shouted to his mom, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

She called out, "It depends. What does it say on your shirt?"

"Tennessee!"

Funny (of a different sort)

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You've probably seen this, but as my forgetful friend says, "It bears repeating!"
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• Funny how tiring it is to serve God for one hour, but how quickly a team plays 60 minutes of basketball.
• Funny how long a couple of hours spent at church are, but how short they are when watching a movie.
• Funny how we can't thing of anything to say when we pray, but how easy it is to chat with a friend.
• Funny how thrilled we get when a baseball game goes extra innings, but we complain when a sermon is longer than usual.
• Funny how we want a front seat at a game or concert but scramable to get a back seat at church.
• Funny how we need a two- or three-week notice to fit a church event into our schedule, but can adjust our schedule at the last minute for other events.
• Funny how big $100 looks when you take it to church, but it's so small at the mall.
• Funny how hard it is to read a chapter in the Bible, but how easy it is to read 100 pages of a best seller.
• Funny how hard it is for people to learn a simple plan of salvation, but how simple it is for the same people to understand and repeat gossip.
• Funny how we believe what the newspaper says, but question what the Bible says.

-- World's Greatest Collection of Church Jokes, Paul M. Miller, ed.

Funny Bits (hopefully)

• Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
• Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
• Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
• If you upset your wife, she nags you. But if you upset her even more, you get the silent treatment.
• The man's wife made him join a bridge club. He jumps off next Tuesday.
• "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect!"

And then there was the elderly Floridian who called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into. She was hysterical as she explained her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher urged her to remain calm, that an officer was on the way.

A few minutes later, the officer radioed in. "Disregard," he said. "She got in the back seat by mistake."

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Some Corn for Dinner

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From Yogi Berra:

• .Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hittin'.
• You give a hundred percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough, in the second half you give what's left.
• Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore, it's too crowded.
• Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.
• You can observe a lot by watching.
• A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
• It's deja vu all over again.
• If you come to a fork in the road, take it.
• I usually take a two-hour nap, from one o'clock to four.
• Hey Yogi, what time is it? You mean now?

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And on communication:

Bud and Millie, an older couple, lived out in a rural area, and didn't make it into town very often. One day his wife obtained a copy of a ladies' magazine that touted the benefits of taking a milk bath. She decided this was just what she needed to make her feel beautiful, and sent her husband to a neighboring dairy farm to purchase the milk. When he arrived, Bud told the dairy farmer that he wanted to purchase enough milk for his wife to take a milk bath. The dairy farmer asked, "Do you want the milk pasteurized?" "No," replied Bud, "just up to her neck will do just fine."

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Here a chuckle, there a chuckle....

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....."He's great on the court," a sportswriter said of a college basketball player in an interview with the boy's coach. "But how's his scholastic work?"
....."Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach.
....."Wonderful!" said the sportswriter.
....."Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a little crooked."


.....Dave irritated everyone in his office. Whether it was the tone in his voice, or his condescending attitude, everyone steered clear. He must have suspected he was annoying because he asked a co-worker, "Why does everybody take an instant dislike to me?" Responded the co-worker, "It saves time."


.....And some more of "Life's Imponderables":

• I used to eat a lot of natural foods ... until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
• Ever notice that since everybody has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?
• In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now, the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

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Is It About Time for Some More Funnies?

• Watching television these days often involves violence and bad language ... and that's just deciding who is going to operate the remote!
• The state highway department has announced that 5,000 road workers will lose their jobs by the end of the year due to the development of a new, technologically advanced piece of equipment. It seems that a new shovel has been invented that will stand up by itself.
• When you offer two cents for some peoples thoughts, you should get change back.
• Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that controls you?" To which the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!"
• And here are some life lessons:

-People who believe "You can't teach an old dog new tricks" never let that dog get hungry enough.

-The line beside you always moves faster until you move into it.

-Anytime you're late, everybody else is early ... and vice-versa.

And, huh? ...

Maury visited his friend Joe and found him playing a game of Solitaire. After watching him for awhile, he saw that Joe was cheating. "Wait a minute! I just caught you cheating yourself," said righteous Maury. Joe said quietly, "Don't tell anybody, but I've been cheating myself at Solitaire for years." Surprised, Maury said, "You don't say. Don't you ever catch yourself cheating?" To which Joe retorted, "Naah, I'm much too clever."

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It Doesn't Pay to Judge Too Quickly

I certainly don't mean to advertise for Ameriquest, but in terms of learning not to judge too quickly, I think these little vignettes are great. I share them for the humor, not the advertising.

Sixteen Things to get You Through Almost Any Crisis

Just a little Monday morning chuckle:

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.


2. You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.


3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.


4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.


5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.


6. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.


7. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.


8. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.


9. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.


10. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.


11. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.


12. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.


13. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.


14. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.


15. Never wrestle a pig; you both get dirty and the pig likes it.


16. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a "do-it-yourself" thing.

-- Martha Ainsworth, St. John's in the Village