Is This Your Experience of Retirement?

Q: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A: There is not enough time to get everything done. (Ha! And you thought things would get better when you retire!)

Q: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?
A: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Q: Why do retirees count pennies?
A: They're the only ones who have the time.

Q: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic, or garage?
A: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Q: What do retirees call a long lunch?
A: Normal.

Q: What is the best way to describe retirement?
A: The never-ending coffee break.

Are YOU the Answer to Someone's Prayer?

When Neil and Carol Anderson arrived in a Folopa village in Papua New Guinea, to being their Bible-translation work, a village elder sat them down. He said, "I have to tell you why you're here." The Andersons were very interested to know why, so they said, "Oh? Tell us."
The elder explained that some time earlier, an evangelist had come to their area and shared the gospel with them. They had started a church, but the evangelist had to leave for another village. The people lamented. "What will we do now? We don't know anything about God and Chrisianity!" The evangelist told them, " I want you to pray that God will send you a missionary." A few years later, the Andersons showed up to work on Bible translation, and everyone was very excited.
The elder said, "You thought you came here all on your own, but you didn't. We'd been praying that you would come. God put his leash on your arm, and he pulled you here."

Some Thoughts on Aging

A reporter was interviewing a 104-yr.-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
Her simple reply: "No peer pressure."
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Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them 50 years from now.
"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business,'" declared the first.
The second said, "Fifty years from now, I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man.'"
"Me?' said the third -- "I want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age!'"

Child's Perception of Baptism

This Sunday past was The Baptism of the Lord. But a child's perceptions of things can lead to amusing comments. For instance, a father was in church with three of his young children, including his 5-yr.-old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so the children could properly witness the service. During this particular service, the minister was baptizing a tiny infant. The little girl was taken by this, observing that the minister was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.
With a quizzical look on her face, the girl turned to her father and asked, "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"

The little girl's perception is understandable. But since brainwashing carries the negative connotation of being a kind of weapon, let's see baptism as the heartwashing it is. No, don't expect me to suddenly begin splashing water on people's chests. But baptism WILL change the way we think, and feel, and act. So, yes, Lord, wash my brain, my heart, my soul, and make me pleasing in Your sight!

Notes from a New Calendar

When the time was right,
the sea parted,
the walls fell down,
the lions went hungry,
the sun stood still,
the waves were calm,
the stone was rolled away,
the clouds were parted,
the Lord ascended ...
And when the time is right,
the King of kings will return.

God is never early and He's never late --
He's always right on time and His plan for you is good.

'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'
--Jeremiah 29:11

Words of Wisdom

Before you speak, Listen.
Before you write, Think.
Before you pray, Forgive.
Before you quit, Try.


Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.

Snickers (Not the Candy Bar)

Heathcliffe told his buddies, "Gertrude was really upset when I didn't give her a birthday present this year. But then, she hasn't used what I gave her last year."
"What did you give her last year?" they asked.
Heathcliffe answered, "A cemetery plot."
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While a little guy was sitting at a restaurant counter and staring at his coke, a big guy walked over, picked up the coke and drank every drop.
As the little guy began to cry, the big guy apologized and said, "Don't cry. I'll buy you another."
The little guy replied, "You don't understand. I've had a terrible day. When I got to work this morning my boss fired me. When I walked out to my car I found it had been stolen. I got a cab home and left my wallet in the cab. When I walked into my home my wife said she wanted a divorce. And now, as I was getting ready to kill myself, you just drank my poison!"
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A man once hosted a dinner party for people from work, and everyone was encouraged to bring their children. Throughout the sit-down dinner, one co-worker's 4-yr.-old daughter stared at him unceasingly. In fact, she was staring at him so hard she could hardly eat her food.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place and a myriad assortment of other things, but nothing stopped her from staring. He tried his best to just ignore her, but finally it was too much for him.
"Why are you staring at me?" he finally asked the girl.
Everyone had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet to hear her response.
The little girl replied, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"