Q: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A: There is not enough time to get everything done. (Ha! And you thought things would get better when you retire!)
Q: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?
A: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Q: Why do retirees count pennies?
A: They're the only ones who have the time.
Q: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic, or garage?
A: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Q: What do retirees call a long lunch?
A: Normal.
Q: What is the best way to describe retirement?
A: The never-ending coffee break.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Are YOU the Answer to Someone's Prayer?
When Neil and Carol Anderson arrived in a Folopa village in Papua New Guinea, to being their Bible-translation work, a village elder sat them down. He said, "I have to tell you why you're here." The Andersons were very interested to know why, so they said, "Oh? Tell us."
The elder explained that some time earlier, an evangelist had come to their area and shared the gospel with them. They had started a church, but the evangelist had to leave for another village. The people lamented. "What will we do now? We don't know anything about God and Chrisianity!" The evangelist told them, " I want you to pray that God will send you a missionary." A few years later, the Andersons showed up to work on Bible translation, and everyone was very excited.
The elder said, "You thought you came here all on your own, but you didn't. We'd been praying that you would come. God put his leash on your arm, and he pulled you here."
The elder explained that some time earlier, an evangelist had come to their area and shared the gospel with them. They had started a church, but the evangelist had to leave for another village. The people lamented. "What will we do now? We don't know anything about God and Chrisianity!" The evangelist told them, " I want you to pray that God will send you a missionary." A few years later, the Andersons showed up to work on Bible translation, and everyone was very excited.
The elder said, "You thought you came here all on your own, but you didn't. We'd been praying that you would come. God put his leash on your arm, and he pulled you here."
Some Thoughts on Aging
A reporter was interviewing a 104-yr.-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
Her simple reply: "No peer pressure."
.
.
Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them 50 years from now.
"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business,'" declared the first.
The second said, "Fifty years from now, I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man.'"
"Me?' said the third -- "I want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age!'"
Her simple reply: "No peer pressure."
.
.
Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them 50 years from now.
"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business,'" declared the first.
The second said, "Fifty years from now, I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man.'"
"Me?' said the third -- "I want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age!'"
Child's Perception of Baptism
This Sunday past was The Baptism of the Lord. But a child's perceptions of things can lead to amusing comments. For instance, a father was in church with three of his young children, including his 5-yr.-old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so the children could properly witness the service. During this particular service, the minister was baptizing a tiny infant. The little girl was taken by this, observing that the minister was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.
With a quizzical look on her face, the girl turned to her father and asked, "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"
The little girl's perception is understandable. But since brainwashing carries the negative connotation of being a kind of weapon, let's see baptism as the heartwashing it is. No, don't expect me to suddenly begin splashing water on people's chests. But baptism WILL change the way we think, and feel, and act. So, yes, Lord, wash my brain, my heart, my soul, and make me pleasing in Your sight!
With a quizzical look on her face, the girl turned to her father and asked, "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"
The little girl's perception is understandable. But since brainwashing carries the negative connotation of being a kind of weapon, let's see baptism as the heartwashing it is. No, don't expect me to suddenly begin splashing water on people's chests. But baptism WILL change the way we think, and feel, and act. So, yes, Lord, wash my brain, my heart, my soul, and make me pleasing in Your sight!
Notes from a New Calendar
When the time was right,
the sea parted,
the walls fell down,
the lions went hungry,
the sun stood still,
the waves were calm,
the stone was rolled away,
the clouds were parted,
the Lord ascended ...
And when the time is right,
the King of kings will return.
God is never early and He's never late --
He's always right on time and His plan for you is good.
'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'
--Jeremiah 29:11
the sea parted,
the walls fell down,
the lions went hungry,
the sun stood still,
the waves were calm,
the stone was rolled away,
the clouds were parted,
the Lord ascended ...
And when the time is right,
the King of kings will return.
God is never early and He's never late --
He's always right on time and His plan for you is good.
'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'
--Jeremiah 29:11
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