On Fund Raising

...The church secretary answered the phone, and the caller rather boisterously asked, "Is the head hog at the trough there?"
...The secretary said, "Please sir, do not refer to our pastor as the head hog at the trough. That's quite disrespectful."
..."Oh, I'm very sorry. I meant nothing by that. It's just a local phrase we use in the part of the country I come from. The real reason I called was to donate $100,000 to your building fund."
...To which the secretary promptly replied, "Hold on, sir. I see the 'Big Oinker' coming through the door right now."

I agree -- call me anything you like, just call me to supper, ... or to come collect a check! LOL)

Just for Fun

And

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Some general rules for life:

Advise your children to get you quality gifts. After all, they don't want to inherit junk.

Beware of bargains in life belts, parachutes, and heart transplants.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day; if you aren't home by then, you're in trouble!

Never hire an electrician with no eyebrows.

Be suspicious if your car mechanic has clean fingernails.

If lightning strikes, make sure you're walking next to a tall person.

If at first you don't succeed, sky-diving is not for you.

A few more funny thoughts...

The length of a minute depends entirely on what side of the bathroom door you are.

You may be nobody's fool now, but don't worry ... someone will adopt you.

A key ring is a handy little device that enables you to lose ALL your keys at once.

If the NASA scientists are all so smart, why do they count backwards?

It takes two mystery writers to change a light bulb ... one to screw it almost all the way in, and a second to give it a surprise twist at the end.

If a shepherd takes care of sheep, does a coward take care of cows?

If these aren't funny enough, please feel free to post your own in the comment section!!
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Of All the Things I've Lost ...

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.....The newspaper employee answered the phone only to hear an irate customer demanding an explanation for why her Sunday paper had not yet arrived on her doorstep.
....."Ma'am," said the employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday."
.....There was a long pause at the other end of the line, and then he heard the lady mutter, "Well! So that's why no one was at church today."

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Good Nutrition

.....Hey! I just wanted everybody to be up on the facts!
.....Chocolate is a vegetable: derived from cocoa beans -- Beans = Vegetables. Sugar is derived from sugar cane ... or sugar beets. Both are plants which place them in the vegetable category. Thus, CHOCOLATE IS A VEGETABLE!!
.....Chocolate candy bars contain milk, which is dairy. Health food! Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit. Eat up. Fruit is good for you!
.....To keep chocolate from melting in a hot car on the way home from the store, it is advisable to eat it in the parking lot. IF you eat a chocolate candy bar before a meal, it will take the edge off your appetite. You'll eat less.
.....To have a balanced diet, eat white and dark chocolate. Chocolate has many preservatives, they make you look and feel younger. Science has proved that chocolate lowers our blood pressure. BLESS THEM!
.....A nice box of chocolates has all your daily calories in ONE place. Handy! Put Eat Chocolate at the top of your TO DO list, and you will always have one task accomplished from the to-do list for the day!
.....Eat! Enjoy! Stay Healthy!
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And just to make that chocolate fix easier, here is:
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The Most Dangerous Cake Recipe in the World
(5 MINUTE CHOCOLATE MUG CAKE)
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4 tablespoons flour
4 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons cocoa
1 egg
3 tablespoons milk
3 tablespoons oil
3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional)
A small splash of vanilla extract
1 large coffee mug
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.....Add dry ingredients to mug, and mix well. Add the egg and mix thoroughly. Pour in the milk and oil and mix well......Add the chocolate chips (if using) and vanilla extract, and mix again. Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts......The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed!.....Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired. EAT!
.....(This can serve 2 if you want to feel slightly more virtuous).
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And why is this the most dangerous cake recipe in the world ? Because now we are all only 5 minutes away from chocolate cake at any time of the day or night!

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Want more proof of how good chocolate is for you? Look at this video!

Relationships in TROUBLE!!

These are just for fun:
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Gertie and Gip brought their new baby home, and Gertie suggested that Gip should try his hand at changing diapers. Gip answered, "I'll do the next one." Well, the next time came around, and Gertie asked again. A bit agitated, Gip replied, "I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"

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An angry young wife told her lazy husband who refused to get a job, "I'm ashamed of the way we live. My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed!" Speaking from where he was lying on the couch, the husband said, "You ought to be ashamed! Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent!"

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And finally, two fellows were fishing in a boat under a bridge. As a funeral procession passed over, one fellow stood up, took off his cap, and bowed his head. After the procession passed he returned to his fishing. The other guy said to him, "That was a nice thing to do. Did you know them?" The first guy replied, "Sure did. She died day before yesterday. I was married to her for 50 years!"

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In God We Trust

...E pluribus unum was approved for use on the Great Seal of the United States in 1782. What many do not know is that the other motto that appears on U.S. coins and currency, In God We Trust, was not officially approved by Congress until 1956. The Congressional Record of that year reads: "At the present time the United States has no national motto. The committee deems it most appropriate that In God We Trust be so designated as United States national motto." Why 1956? Probably because the nation was beset at that time by fears of "Godless communism."

...Although the origins of the phrase are obscure, some think it stems from one of the lesser-known verses of "The Star-Spangled Banner," which includes this line: And this be our motto: 'In God is our trust.'

...The motto first appeared on U.S. coins during the Civil War, when Treasury Secretary Salmon P. Chase sent this instruction to the director of the U.S. Mint: "Dear Sir: No nation can be strong except in the strength of God, or safe except in his defense. The trust of our people in God should be declared on our national coins. You will cause a device to be prepared without unnecessary delay with a motto expressing in the fewest and tersest words possible this national recognition."

...The use of In God We Trust on American money has been the subject of debate, even before the 1956 act of Congress declaring it the national motto. Some have thought it violates the separation of church and state.

...Theodore Roosevelt opposed it. Ah, but his opposition was for a quite different reason: He thought it a sacrilege to inscribe the name of God on something so common as money!

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Do You Remember?

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.....I thought this item from the May/June Upper Room may speak to those of you parents still trying to get used to your kids being off in college. It's by Susi Lockard.

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.....When my children were infants and I rocked them to sleep, I sang to them and prayed for them. I remember holding my 14-month-old son and praying for his future relationships with his roommates, his friends, his wife. For years, I came back to the same prayer. I know I must have wearied the Lord with my prayers; but Matthew 7:7 tells us to keep on asking, seeking, and knocking.

.....When my son went off to college, I couldn't wait to hear about his roommate. "Well, Mom, he is a recovering drug addict. He was sent here for a year of rehabilitation and is studying art, taking part in sports, and trying to re-enter normal life."

.....I felt as if God had let me down, and my disappointment came through. "I don't understand. I have prayed for 18 years for you to have a good roommate who would have a good influence in your life.

.....My son, wiser than I, answered, "Maybe his mother was praying the same prayer." My son knew that he had been nurtured all his life and now had a chance to nurture a young man with serious problems.

.....God answers our prayers from wisdom greater than ours. I thought that my son needed a strong Christian friend; God knew that my son needed to be a strong Christian friend.

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