Update Your Resumé!

.....Did you hear about the Chicago bank that once asked for a letter of recommendation for a young Bostonian being considered for employment? The Boston investment firm couldn't say enough about the young man. His father, they wrote, was a Cabot; his mother was a Lowell. Further back was a happy blend of Saltonstalls, Peabodys, and others of Boston's first families. His recommendation was given without hesitation.

.....Several days later, the Chicago bank sent a note saying the information supplied was altogether inadequate. It read: "We are not interested in using the young man for breeding purposes. Just for work!"

.

.....Which, in an off-hand way, reminds me that none of us are going to be on the way to heaven because of the faith of our ancestors, no matter how strong a Christian they were. The question is, will we "work", i.e., do we believe for ourselves?

.

The Golden (Fallen) Arches

The lectionary Gospel lesson for a few weeks is from John 6 -- and we addressed some of that in the July 26 sermon. I thought I'd continue that today with a few words about food.

......First up: A guest in a posh hotel's restaurant called the headwaiter over one morning and place the following order. "I'd like one egg undercooked so it's runny and one egg overcooked so it's tough and hard to eat. And I'd also like grilled bacon that's a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so it's impossible to spread and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee."

....."That's a complicated order, sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."

.....To which the guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult -- that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"

h h h h h h

.....The second item is much more serious: You may be familiar with Morgan Spurlock who did his experiment of eating 3 meals a day at McKevorkian's ... er ... I mean, McDonald's, for 30 days. At the end of those 30 days, he was 24 lbs. heavier, and his cholesterol had shot up 65 points. In his own words, here's what Spurlock learned from his experience.

.....Over the course of my McDiet, I consumed 30 pounds of sugar from their food. That's a pound a day. On top of that, I also took in 12 lbs. of fat. Now, I know what you're saying. You're saying nobody's supposed to eat this food three times a day. No wonder all this stuff happened to you. But the scary part is: There are people who eat this food regularly. Some people even eat it every day. So, while my experiment may have been a little extreme, it's not that crazy. But here is a crazy idea: Why not do away with your super-size options? Who needs 42 ounces of Coke? A half pound of fries? And why not give me a choice besides french fries or french fries? That would be a great start. But why should these companies want to change? Their loyalty isn't to you, it's to the stockholders. The bottom line: They're a business, no matter what they say. And by selling you unhealthy food, they make millions. And no company wants to stop doing that. If this ever-growing paradigm is going to shift, it's up to you. But if you decide to keep living this way, go ahead. Over time, you may find yourself getting as sick as I did. And you may wind up here [in the Crittenden Health Systems] emergency room, or here in [Mapleview] Cemetery.

Pray On The Full Armor of God

.

Daily Victory Prayer
(based on Ephesians 6:10-18)

Lord, I'm reminded that my "struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" (v. 12). Therefore, I pray that You will once again equip me with the full armor of God so that when evil comes, I may be able to stand my ground (v. 13).

Equip me, Lord:

• With the belt of truth (v. 14). May Your truth rule in my heart and be in my mind and on my lips today.
  
• With the breastplate of righteousness (v. 14). Apart from You there is no righteousness, but through Jesus I have been "born again" and made righteous in Your sight. May I live as a righteous person.
• With feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the Gospel of peace (v. 15). May I reflect the Gospel in my words and actions, that through me, with my every encounter, others may be drawn one step closer to You.
  
• With the shield of faith (v. 16). May I take You at Your word concerning promises about the present and future -- promises of everlasting love, abundant life, and so much more.
• With the helmet of salvation (v. 17). Remind me that nothing can separate me from Your love and that by grace I've been saved. In Your grace, help me to say "no" to all ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live a self-controlled, upright, and godly life (Titus 2:12-13).
• And with the sword of the Spirit, the Word of God (v. 17). May Your Holy Spirit reign in my life and bring to my mind just the right Bible verses to be in my heart and on my lips. May I be "filled with the Spirit" and ready with Scripture as You were, Jesus, when the devil tempted You.
• Finally, keep me in an attitude of prayer (v. 18). Remind me to "pray in the Spirit on all occasions." Cause me to be alert and always praying for the saints; to be joyful and to give thanks in everything (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)
  

Thank You that You hear the prayers of Your people, and that I am Your child. Help me to be Your person in this world today -- salt and light, moment by moment.

From The Pray! Prayer Journal, by Dean Ridings

Here a chuckle, there a chuckle....

.

....."He's great on the court," a sportswriter said of a college basketball player in an interview with the boy's coach. "But how's his scholastic work?"
....."Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach.
....."Wonderful!" said the sportswriter.
....."Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a little crooked."


.....Dave irritated everyone in his office. Whether it was the tone in his voice, or his condescending attitude, everyone steered clear. He must have suspected he was annoying because he asked a co-worker, "Why does everybody take an instant dislike to me?" Responded the co-worker, "It saves time."


.....And some more of "Life's Imponderables":

• I used to eat a lot of natural foods ... until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
• Ever notice that since everybody has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?
• In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now, the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

.

Ever Higher Expectations?

Recently in Dallas, a Husband Shopping Center opened, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out with five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rules: Once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the place to find men. On the first floor, the door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."

The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having jobs or not loving kids, but I wonder what's farther up?" So up they went.

The second floor said, "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good-looking.

"Hmm," said the girls. "But I wonder what's farther up?"

The third floor: "These men have high-paying jobs, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework."

"Wow!" said the women. "Very tempting. BUT there's more farther up!" And up they went.

Fourth floor: "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."

"Oh, mercy! But just think what must be awaiting us farther on!" So up to the fifth floor they went.

The sign on that floor said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please!"

Doubtless a similar story could be set up to poke at that same characteristic in guys. But the question we Christians must ask is not about which gender can't be satisfied, but what are our expectations of God? We can NEVER expect TOO much from God in terms of his power or of his love. But do we expect TOO much from God, wanting Him to act in ways that are inconsistent with his nature? Do we merely want what He can give us, without ever seeking the great/greatest gift of Himself?

.

Another Approach to Aging

No Nursing Home for Me
(Author Unknown)

.....A few months ago some friends noticed an elderly lady always sitting alone on a Princess Liner. All the staff seemed to wait on her constantly. We finally decided to chat with her. "We understand you have been on the last five cruise trips!" "Oh, yes! You see, it's like this: Luxury Cruise Ships average $150.00 a day, nursing homes are more than $200 a day. I have checked on reservations on a Princess and I get a long term discount and senior discount for $135.oo a day. That leaves $65.oo a day for gratuities, which will only be $10.00 a day.

.....I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have breakfast in bed; Princess has three swimming pools, work out room, free washers and dryers, good shows every night, free razors, soap, shampoo and toothpaste. They treat you as a customer, not a patient. And an extra $5.00 tip will have the entire staff at your beck and call. I will meet new people every 7-14 days. TV broken? Light bulb needed? New mattress needed? No problem! They FIX everything, and apologize for your inconvenience. Clean sheets and towels every day. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip, you are on Medicare with possibly no one to care. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess Ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life if you promise not to sue them. If you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Alaska, Australia ... just NAME where you want to go. Princess or some other cruise liner will always have a ship ready for you. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore-to-ship.

.....P.S. Don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side, no extra charge!

.

My Name Is Rose

This is one of those rare e-mail forwards -- worth passing on! I do so here. WG

My Name is Rose

.....The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being . She said, 'Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?' I laughed and enthusiastically responded, 'Of course you may!' and she gave me a giant squeeze. 'Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?' I asked. She jokingly replied, 'I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids...' 'No seriously,' I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age. 'I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!' she told me. After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake. We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this 'time machine' as she shared her wisdom and experience with me. Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up. At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor. Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, 'I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know.' As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, ' We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing. There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die. We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it! There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old.. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight. Anybody can grow older! That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change. Have no regrets. The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets.' She concluded her speech by courageously singing 'The Rose.' She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives. At the year's end, Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago. One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep. Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be.

.