Don't Be So Frightened

A woman came to the hospital to visit a friend. She hadn't been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating-looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.
"So would I," said the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."

Fitness Program?

When an applicant asked if the company had a fitness program, the human-resources manager replied, "Oh, our employees don't need one. They are routinely JUMPING to conclusions, FLYING off the handle, BEATING around the bush, RUNNING down the boss, GOING in circles, DRAGGING their feet, DODGING responsibilities, PASSING the buck, CLIMBING the ladder, WADING through paperwork, PULLING strings, THROWING their weight around, STRETCHING the truth,  BENDING the rules, and PUSHING their luck!"

And then there was the wag who said: "If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees!"

Common Sense

-- from PURE LIVING

Always try to stop talking before people stop listening.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brainse, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Women are like phones. They love to be held and talked to. But if you press the wrong button you must might be disconnected!

Rule of Holes # 1: If you've gotten yourself into one, stop digging.

Be careful listening to experts: they tend to tell you what can't be done and why.

Holy, Holy, Holy

Many Christians have what we might call a "cultural holiness." They adapt to the character and behavior pattern of Christians around them. As the Christian culture around them is more or less holy, so these Christians are more or less holy. But God has not called us to be like those around us. He has called us to be like himself. Holiness is nothing less than conformity to the character of God.

-- Jerry Bridges

Discipline and/or Discipleship

"Discipline is the other side of discipleship. Discipleship without discipline is like waiting to run in the marathon without ever practicing. Discipline without discipleship is like always practicing for the marathon but never participating. It is important, however, to realize that discipline in the spiritual life is not the same as discipline in sports. Discipline is sports is the concentrated effort to master the body so that it can obey the mind better. Discipline in the spiritual life is the concentrated effort to create the space and time where God can become our master and where we can respond freely to God's guidance."

-- Henri Nouwen

Bread for the Journey

Top 10 Signs You're Not Reading Your Bible Enough

10. The preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians ... and you check the table of contents.
9. You think Abraham, Isaac and Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the '60s.
8. You open to the gospel of Luke, and a World War II savings bond falls out.
7. Your favorite Old Testament patriarch is Hercules.
6. A small family of wood chucks has taken up residence in Psalms.
5. You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the concordance or the table of contents.
4. Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?"
3. You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.
2. You keep falling for it every time the pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.

And the No. 1 sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:
1. The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the shepherd boy and his ark of many colors."

New Disciplinary Move

The other Sunday after worship, a young mother told how she got her fidgety child to sit still and be quiet. She said that halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Brother Wayne is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!" And she added as she went out the door, "It worked!"

And then there was the time I preached on how Jesus fed 5000 men and their families with two loaves and fishes. After the service, three guys wanted to know if the fish were bass or catfish, and what bait Jesus used to catch them

Does that mean they were rednecks? Well, you might  be a redneck:

• If you think fast food is hitting a opossum at 75 mph.
• Fifth grade was the best four years of your life.
• You own a homemade fur coat.
• You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
• You think Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
• Your goal in life is to own a fireworks stand (a new option here in Kentucky), or if
• You think the stock market has a fence around it.